Having a baby doesn’t magically fix mental or physical health, nor does it create the desire to have a baby if you didn’t want one.
(NOTE THIS IS NOTAN ANTI-MOTHERHOOD POST .)
MOTHERHOOD is NOT A CURE ALL!!!! LADY PROBLEMS, DEPRESSION, & NO-DESIRE FOR MOTHERHOOD are not “magically fixed” by having baby. The belief that any of these problems/situations are fixed by giving birth is the craziest BS I have ever heard. LISTEN UP. PREGNANCY CAN CAUSE MORE ISSUES. IT DOESN’T MAGICALLY “FIX”.
People will say things like “Oh once you have kids your body straightens all those problems out!” or “well you will instantly feel differently about having children once you have your very own child in your arms”… Statements like these are toxic because it not only misleads those with issues into thinking that all they need to do is become a mother (whether they want to be one or not), but also indirectly mutes those mothers who have issues that A) didn’t change, B) became worse, or C) arose due to birthing/motherhood. Because of this washing over of motherhood, the generalization that “motherhood is a blessing/magical/a gift”, there are so many who suffer in silence because they feel like they are the only ‘weirdo’ who is feeling the way they are feeling or dealing with what they are dealing with. [Mothers/Parents can be amazing! They are shaping a being and making sure that being stays alive usually on minimal sleep! And many parents may feel as though their child is a blessing… and that’s totally fine… but to say being a mother is magical or a blessing in every way, that it isn’t painful or that it somehow fixes problems does a disservice to all women, especially to women who are mothers. ]
There are mothers who deal with issues such as postpartum depression, severe vaginal tears, issues with pooping/irregularity, have severe brain fog, emotional drain, no emotional bond to the child, no maternal feelings…. There are mothers that just generally do not have “their stuff together” and think because of the myths propagandized about motherhood that they are an oddity.
So, If anyone says “that motherhood fixes” they are wrong.
By saying so, you are hurting all women.
Especially my mommy friends who deal with a slew of issues and think that somehow they are odd for it!!
How it hurts the women who become mothers: is that they are made to feel odd or a rarity because they don’t have it all together, depression, or their life was fixed. Motherhood is messy because life is messy. We all have different issues both physically and mentally, if you had issues before you became a mother they will still be there after becoming a mother… and that doesn’t even include the many new issues that can arise from the birthing process and so on.
How it hurts childfree-by-choice women: is that it purposefully messes with childfree women’s minds making them question the way they feel about being childfree, even though they know they don’t want children with every fiber of their being they are told they will feel differently once they produce their own children (and those that do concede often find out that just having a child doesn’t mean an instant connection or desire to have, they regret their decision, even if they love the child/children). I have met many people who have regretted having children because they felt pressured by society to have them as well as pressured by all the comments and things said to them to have kids. There are many people who didn’t know childfree was an option and regret having children, most will say they love their children and of course care about their well being but still deeply regret having them.
It also indirectly hurts everyone because saying such things tells men and women who aren’t experiencing these issues that these issues aren’t real, that the issues that people do speak up about are extremely abnormal, and that these topics shouldn’t be discussed. And how that hurts us all, is that this causes us to pigeon-hole one another, and the less we communicate the more barriers and conflict can arise.
So if you want kids, you should be aware of the sacrifices and the changes to your life and body and so on, not be blindly told “oh that all works itself out”.
Saying motherhood is a miracle-cure-all is much-like a super burden version of an exercise equipment advertisement….. (lets call it the Ab-Awesomer for example) The ad says… “Just by buying our Ab-Awesomer, even if you have no intention of using it, just owning the Ab-Awesomer will help YOU lose weight, it will fix you life! Everything that is wrong with you will become better simply by owning the Ab-Awesomer. This machine doesn’t come with an instruction manual, you should just know how to use it! Society says that this is how you lose weight so you should believe us! Sure you might have other health issues, but don’t take them into consideration… if you get hurt its because you were doing it wrong, but you can’t do it wrong, even though science and court cases have shown that this can cause massive injury you should just listen to our blanket statements about how awesome the Ab-Awesomer is!” Then in that fast speaking part where they put disclaimers… “if you purchase the Ab-Awesomer you are forced to have this equipment for the rest of your life, science and lawsuits actually back the complete opposite of all our claims… we will make you feel bad for not buying this, equipment comes to life and will completely overtake your life”
TLDR: (Too long didn’t read) or “In Summary”:
SO KNOW THAT:
Your irregular periods, uterus/lady part issues won’t be fixed by having kids
Your depression won’t be fixed or go away by having kids
The emptiness you feel inside won’t be fixed by having kids
Having kids won’t instantly make you have a desire to be a mother, if you never had that desire before
Other physical aliments that you may have will remain after birthing children, and may perhaps worsen
Pregnancy and post-birthing can CAUSE new issues or aliments to arise
MAIN POINT: Motherhood is not a cure-all. Motherhood or birthing a child does not fix aliments. Motherhood is hard-work, messy, and should be your own personal calling.
You should NOT become a mother for the following reasons:
to fit in and “just something you do because everyone else does”,
to fill the emptiness because you don’t know what you want to do with your life otherwise and feel lost
to fix problems
Motherhood shouldn’t be taken lightly, it doesn’t fix, but it does create. The creation of another human being that as a parent of that child you will watch over it’s well being, help it grow, shape it’s world…. and to do so you will have to forfeit parts of your life and make many sacrifices. It can be a very honorable calling. But it’s not a cure.
This has been a Past Self PSA, now remember, YOU GOT THIS!!!!
-Heather
A little something extra….
“Pregnancy does not cure endometriosis
Fortunately, the myth that pregnancy cures endometriosis is slowly disappearing.
However, it is not disappearing fast enough! The reality is that pregnancy—like hormonal drug treatments—may temporarily suppress the symptoms of endometriosis but does not eradicate the disease itself. Therefore, symptoms usually recur after the birth of the child. Some women can delay the return of symptoms by breastfeeding, but only while the breastfeeding is frequent enough and intense enough to suppress the menstrual cycle.”
In this post: is how parenthood isn’t for everyone and you can opt in or opt out (but remember, you can’t opt out once you’ve opted in)…
Having Children in today’s society in the United States, is a choice. You don’t HAVE TO have them.
American society in this day and age tends to tell women they must have it all to be a whole woman. A career and children… and I want to say, depending on your financial situation and your relationship situations… well those are choices. If you want to be a stay at home mom and it’s logistical for you do so, then do it!
However, know that there is no life script that you have to follow that says you have to have children. In a future posts I intend to talk about childfree resources and choosing to not have children. But at this time I just want you to know that children are an option and you aren’t a weirdo for not wanting them, or a weirdo for wanting them. We all have different callings.
Kids are an option, and it is totally an option NOT TO HAVE THEM, and it’s okay no matter what people may tell you.
Now remember, parenthood is NOT something you can just “try out” you cannot return your child and say “nay, this wasn’t for me” so when you opt in, YOU ARE IN, so don’t have them just to see what it will be like, or because everyone else is saying you should or whatever. If the thought of being a parent feels wrong to you, then you probably shouldn’t be a parent… no matter what people say to you or think about that decision.
Many people will want you to fulfill the life script for a multitude of reasons. (One of these reasons, is that some people didn’t realize they had an option to “opt out” and hold it against the people that realized they could opt out… because now they can’t opt out. Some people are just judgmental… no matter what they are not you and not looking it from your perspective they are looking at from old societal standards or their personal situation or a combination of those two.) SO, no matter what it’s your life, they aren’t raising those kids, they aren’t doing your job, you got to live your life for you.
So many people will probably say “but you have to” and when you ask why if they say “it’s always been that way”…. Well life changes/society changes. Don’t do it because people say you have to, but if it’s your calling then of course do it! Remember we are not conditioned monkeys, and only you can lead your life.
You don’t have to feel weird if you never wanted kids. I was told I was a monster, a weirdo, and a lot of other things for being so damn sure that I didn’t want kids from a young age… and despite that deep set knowledge I still researched and thought hard about my choice… a choice often question but more thought out than those blindly opting in. See, I always knew that even if I was ostracized from society that having my own kids was not my calling (I am proud to be Aunt to my sibling’s and friend’s children, it has nothing to do with hate, but knowing who I am and that children are not for me) … know that if you feel no desire, and cannot picture yourself as a parent… then you don’t have to be one!
In Summary: Parenthood is no joke, it’s serious business, and I respect those who make that choice, but the childfree have every right to have their choices respected as well.
The people who judge you and/or always chime in about your life, will always have something to say no matter the changes you make.
So don’t change yourself just to shut them up or because you heard that little voice in your head say “Well, I’ll show them”.
Do not change yourself just so that other people will be satisfied… because most times they will never be satisfied and will always look at you through their jaded lens. I know it’s tempting to think, “Okay If I just change this, this judgment will stop, this issue will stop.”
Most often… it won’t change a damn thing.
These naysayers can be any one in your life. This applies to family, friends, co-workers, whomever is in your business but shouldn’t be…. This can be about “fitting in”; the “social lifescript”; the people who think they know you better than you know yourself (which we know isn’t true).
SEE… The movie idea of “change yourself and then people will be so happy with you” is not only BS but also completely superficial and mentally detrimental. When it comes to changing yourself to “fit in”… well what’s “In” changes frequently. People start treating your life moments like check marks on a “social life script” list well guess what not everyone has to fit this social script!
For example… speaking of Life Script… by Life script I mean what society generally expects you to do to have a “fulfilling” life. Much like the song “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby carriage”. Life isn’t a checklist. But people may treat you that way. So people blindly following the lifescript may bug you and comment about how far along the expected life script you are, never giving anyone the time to actually enjoy the moment they are in such as pushing for when you’ll be married then when you are having kids, then when you are retiring etc. etc. … they will never be happy for you, or happy with your choices, there will always be something else.
NAYSAYING PEOPLE WILL NEVER BE HAPPY!!! You need to live your life based upon the merits you determine for your life. (And… hopefully in general be a decent human being who is generally kind and isn’t someone who is unhappy with their life that they become another one of those naysaying people for someone else… just saying.)
SO… BUT WHAT IF I DO CHANGE… WHAT WILL HAPPEN… well basically if you decide to change based upon these naysaying people…. One of two things will likely be the case:
they will start on the next thing they want to change about you because they see their pressures worked and that you can be influenced by them so they will keep on going
they are so committed to seeing you in the framework they constructed (their own tinted glasses) that they will not acknowledge the changes you’ve made and still criticize you over the same thing either by belittling the changes you’ve made or by constantly bringing up past examples.
DON’T LOOK AT YOURSELF OR YOUR LIFE THROUGH SOMEONE ELSE’S GLASSES, IT’S ALWAYS GOING TO BE A DIFFERENT PRESCRIPTION!!!
Here are sometimes that I changed (sometimes for them but mostly just changing for myself) and how no matter the changes (usually positive) the naysayers never stopped the naysaying… :
With the “popular” kids : (this was in younger grades of grammar school) I would try to change myself to fit in by the way I dressed or acted or what I did… this often backfired because either I was mocked for trying to be cool or what I attempted to do was no longer cool. WORSE PART, was the more I tried to chameleon myself to awful standards the more I lost my true, authentic self… the cool kids will not forever be cool, cool is relative.Be true to yourself so you don’t spend a chunk of your life trying to remember who the heck you are and what you truly desire out of this world.
With certain negative relatives: (positive self motivated changes, negative people) No matter 3 levels of collegiate degrees, a long-standing job with benefits, purchasing my home on my own, being the only level headed person during a few MAJOR (life or death) family events, and doing my best to not ask any for help until I needed it (and never asking this particular people)… They still talk about me and to me in a demeaning way and have called me flighty, overly emotional, and dependent.
With an Ex: (positive self motivated changes, negative person) I had a boyfriend who said that I was unaccomplished, that I could never accomplish anything on my own, and that he needed to be my “hero”. (Stupidly I stayed “friends” with him after we broke up) and when I did accomplish things such as land a great job with benefits, get my masters with minimal loan debt–and scholarships, or even when I purchased my home on my own with no help from anyone outside of a relator… it never satisfied, he still said I was unaccomplished and worthless, he was a toxic jerk and is no longer in my life!
With co-workers, distant relatives, strangers etc on the Social life script onslaught: (okay so I thankfully didn’t do any of the following for the naysayers, I did this on my own schedule because I found a freaking awesome guy who was like ‘better take this awesome chick off the market’, and then I said ‘yes’ and married the shit out of him because I was like, ‘yup this amazing dude is mine forever’… but you can definitely use my experience as part of the proof that the naysayers will never be happy and will just start on the next life script thing) “You moved in together?!? ISN’T THAT SO SOON!!!” but then right away “You moved in together, so when are you getting engaged?? Has he proposed yet?” Then I got engaged, “When’s the wedding!?! When! You can’t wait that long! OR That’s too soon!” (depending on the person) Then I eloped… “YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD A BIG WEDDING!” “WHAT NO CHURCH WEDDING?” then… “WHEN ARE YOU HAVING BABIES?!! DID YOU ELOPE BECAUSE YOU ARE PREGNANT?!”… yea, that’s where “following” the social life script stop for me folks!! (As I’ve mentioned before I am childfree and very happy being an Aunt.) … However all the positive wonderful people in my life were accepting of my choices… usually these are people who come into my work or a friend of a friend social situation type thing.
SO, as you can see I did make changes for my betterment sometimes it aligned with what the naysayers were saying, but I didn’t do anything (except for my grammar school days) based upon the naysayers because then I would constantly be unhappy and not true to myself because I would be living based upon their merit not mine. (Especially since I made changes that based upon the movie logic of change to be popular/change to be accepted/ change to be understood… well it still didn’t appease/please/make happy those who were naysaying, they either completely ignored the positive changes or started on the next thing.)
So just in case you need to read this too…
IF YOU KNOW YOU NEED TO MAKE CHANGES FOR THE BETTERMENT OF YOUR LIFE, THAT HAPPEN TO ALIGN WITH WHAT THE NAYSAYERS ARE SAYING… YOU DIDN’T DO IT FOR THEM!!!
Positive change is of course positive! Not making the positive changes you know you need to make for your best life BECAUSE it might give the naysayers a one up or some vindictive glee is WORSE than changing for the naysayers… you are now letting the naysayers drag you down on the thought of what might be their reaction. DON’T LET THE POSSIBILITY OR ACTUALITY OF “I TOLD YOU SO!!” LIMIT YOUR BETTERMENT …it wasn’t their influence but your own healthy metered decisions leading the band… and that’s how it should be!! If they gloat then ignore and know that they are idiots, simple as that.
Side note 1: Also, obviously making changes when it comes to combing your life with someone such as making sure to change actions you didn’t realize you did as to not drive your partner crazy, or change your behavior to respect boundaries is healthy and NOT about changing for the naysayers… (just make sure that that level of respect and compromise is being reciprocated in your partnership).
Side note 2: if your doctor has done research and knows you very well and says you need to change to fix your health, that isn’t naysaying… (however there are some stupid/mean/weird “professionals” out there of course… but overall your health care professionals mention dietary/lifestyle changes for good reasons)
This has been a Past Self PSA, now remember, YOU GOT THIS!!!!
This one is a follow up to all those posts about toxic relationships and boundary setting…
I only vaguely mentioned this in the toxic people part…
If someone is toxic in your life and is hurting you it doesn’t matter what “title” they have in your life or “length of time” they have been in your life, you need to let them go.
There are usually two types of people who tell you to stay in a toxic situation with your family simply because they are family…. Either they : A) have a healthy family situation and cannot relate/understand/believe the level of abuse you have/are dealing with or B) have been conditioned by their own toxic family/society to believe that they cannot let go of their own toxic family and possibly have deluded themselves into the belief that their family situation is normal/healthy usually stating something like “whose family isn’t toxic though?” (either way they are not looking at your specific situation, they are thinking about their family situation)
Your situation is your own, so it doesn’t matter if you have been friends for years and have so much history or that they are a blood relative such as a parent or a sibling, if they are dragging you down, hurting you, and it is a situation where you can’t just have a talk with the person in question and actually make the positive changes to not be hurt or dragged down… well then it’s time to let that person go from your life.
Society, people, friends, family, co workers…. They tend to chime in with statements like…
“But it’s your mother/But It’s your father/They’re your parents”
“But they’re your sister/brother”
“But they’re your family”
“But they have been your friend for so long”
“But you’ve known them forever”
“But you have children together”
(Almost always the people saying this either don’t know the whole situation, or if you try to explain, nothing is ever good enough/refuse to actually hear what you are saying)
NOW, I am not saying you shouldn’t try to work things out when possible and to truly make sure that a situation is toxic.Because to burn bridges over silly inconsequential stuff is not a great idea… But if you are dealing with toxic people who will not change, who are hurting you, don’t stay because of the title that person has in your life or in society’s framework. You need to take care of yourself and heal.
So if someone is hurting you and is toxic for your life and they will not make the changes you need for them to stop hurting you… it is okay to step away and cut out these people from your life even though society or people say you cannot.
Know too that you can also attempt to limit how often you see a relative if possible. But this is definitely situational.
Also it doesn’t mean that it won’t be hard. It might be incredibly hard, not just the process of cutting them out but it might be hard your heart/emotions. It may cause upheaval in other relationships with other people who do not understand your situation. But know that it’s okay. You don’t have to talk to that person because they are a blood relative and/or have always been in your life.
(as for co-workers without changing jobs you really cannot completely cut them out of your work life, but they do not have be in your personal life at private events, you do not need to take personal calls, and you can do things such as talk to your superior about the situation and set firm boundaries… granted this means you need to treat other coworkers similarly… and make sure that everyone is on the same page about this person when seeing co-workers outside of work)
Once again go back to the resources on boundary setting and toxic relationships for more. I just wanted to make sure you knew that it doesn’t matter if they are your parent or your childhood life long friend or your husband/wife… if they are toxic then it doesn’t matter what society says, step away.
This has been a Past Self PSA, now remember, YOU GOT THIS!!!!
See as you know the driving force behind this entire blog is giving what my past-self needed or was looking for and in doing so helping others that are in similar situations or have similar needs as my past self. (Whether it’s something as silly as knowing you can enjoy Halloween as adult without the gore/sexy stuff or something as serious as how to set boundaries and knowing when a relationship is toxic… man I really could have used that in the past!!)
As you can see majority of these topics have resources to delve deeper, have advice on how to implement certain things, some will have resource lists I’ve collated, and as always will be something my past (or even current) self would have wanted to read or needed case depending. However, there were some definite things that I needed, in the past, to hear… to see in writing somewhere else to know that I wasn’t alone in my way of thinking or in my situation. Some of these points are simply that… just some things I think some people need to see in writing… topics that may be part of a future larger post, and topics that might not necessarily warrant resources or even delving deeper without focusing on a larger topic.
I have decided to post these topics (things that are fact based and from my experiences but not necessarily thoroughly researched with lots of links) as what I am calling “Past Self PSA” (PSA=Public Service Announcement)
So basically they are just like any other post I may do but without resource links and more a “I needed to see this in writing so maybe you do too” kind of thing. These are less advice or bullet point lists, which I find to be the bulk of my posts, but more a “you’re not alone” type of post.
Now I think these posts will be useful in a validating way, and in an information spreading way, however they differ from the more “guide” like posts I normally have so I wished to denote that they were so within the title.
A future example would be a Past Self PSA on being childfree, where I will discuss some of the hurtful things people say to negate the choice of being childfree and how childfree is just as valid of a choice as it is to be a parent, which I give massive kudos to those who choose that lifestyle, but that it’s okay that people like me know it isn’t for us…. Now, why this doesn’t fit into the normal posts, is that there will be no resources, nor will it be any advice on that matter (not what to say in return to these comments, or how to figure out if you want to be childfree, or anything like that). However, in the future I will discuss resources and advice for those choosing the childfree life, and that would be just listed as a regular post.
Hopefully that makes sense!
Either way thanks for reading and remember, You GOT This! -Heather
As a follow up of sorts to my action romance novel reads… I thought maybe you want to also watch some badass chicks killing it! Because we all need role models! (Just kidding… kind of.)
So Badass Chicks or Action Chicks as I am calling them for lack of a better term; are adventurous ladies who can be any of the following: Detectives, Cops, Assassins, Warriors, Femme Fatales, Double Agents, Spies, Hunters, Grifters, Con-Artists, etc. These are females you just wouldn’t want to mess with and definitely want on your side. I love watching action flicks with a female lead! Some are funny some are gritty… but all are at least a little “badass” and definitely adventurous.
Note: Some of these titles may not have a female LEAD but at least a female who is has a large amount of screen time who is super badass or strong-willed. All titles are Alphabetic order within their sections, not including the word “The”. Also all of these titles are Live Action, no cartoons here or we’d never finish this post.
KEY:
C= Comedy or Lot’s of Comedic Elements
S= Serious, meant as a serious action film
I=Intense there’s some brutal fight scenes & carnage
*= a personal favorite
(Once again this is not an exhaustive, just movies I have seen that fit this category that you may enjoy!)
Category One:
Non-Action Chick, Action Flicks: Films where the female isn’t really an action chick but gets swept into the action and is a major player in the story line. The character may before the end credits become an “action chick” but didn’t start out that way and isn’t throughout the majority of the film.
The Italian Job (2003) S (Charlize Theron’s character)
Knight and Day (2010)* C? (I guess it’s more of a romance, but it’s funny)
The Net (1995) S
Red (2010)*C (Mary-Louise Parker’s character)
Red 2 (2013)*C (Mary-Louise Parker’s character)
The Spy Who Dumped Me (2018) C
This Means War (2012) C (the action mostly happens around the main female but she is still strong and fun)
True Lies (1994)* S, I (has a lot of comedic elements)
Category Two:
Female Leads who either start off as badass action chicks or become an action chick by mid-point of the film:
Artemis Hotel (2018)S
Atomic Blonde (2017) * S, I (one of the most realistic fight and action scenes out of any action movie)
Charlie’s Angels (2000) S?Okay, to be honest I feel like this was intended to be serious but is a little spoofy/goofy, the second one is so ridiculous, yet somehow enjoyable that I can only assume that was meant to be comedic in nature?
Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle (2003) C
Colombiana (2011)* S, I
Hanna (2011) S
The Heat (2013) C
Kill Bill 1 & 2 (2003/2004) S,I (I personally do not like these, physically strong women who have been brutalized or brutalize each other in the name of some creepy male overseer… just not my thing.)
The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996)*S,I
Miss Congeniality (2000) C
Miss Congeniality 2 (200 ) C
Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005) C?
Ocean’s Eight (2018)*S
Red (2010)* C (Helen Mirren’s character)
Red 2 (2013)*C (Helen Mirren’s character)
Salt (2010)* S, I
Spy (2015) * C, I
Category Three:
ACTION CHICKS IN AN ALTERNATE REALITY (Think: Paranormal, Superhero, Fantasy, Dystopia, or Science-Fiction):
Alien (1979)* S,I (Ripley is a super boss, enough said)
Aliens (1986)* S, I (Ripley bringing it but with PTSD, also, my personal recommendation is to stop here the other Alien films I did not like, and I have found that many agree with me… but once again up to you)
Black Panther (2018) S (primarily Okoye)
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992) C? (personally I am more a fan of the TV show but this is still fun)
Captain Marvel (2019) ….. I haven’t seen this yet so, no clue!
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000) S
Fifth Element (1997)*S (Leeloo is awesome)
Ghostbusters: Answer the Call (2016)* C (a lot of people hating on this movie, I love this movie, my husband loves this movie… honestly, I think everyone who watched this and hated it either they are people who don’t like paranormal stuff or movies like the original Ghostbusters, is someone too hung up on the original, or is a chauvinist )
Hunger Games ( 2012) S (series of films Katniss saving the day and other strong females too)
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001) S
Lara Croft Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life (2003) S
Lucy (2014) S,I (Just so you know this movie starts creepy, then gets action-like, then get’s utterly metaphysical, this is more mind-bendy than it is action)
Mad Max: Fury Road (2015) S, I
Kick-Ass (2010) (primarily Hit Girl) S, I
Kick-Ass 2 (2013) (primarily Hit Girl) S, I
Suckerpunch (2011) S (this is actually a sad movie, but some really cool action scenes)
Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991) S,I (primarily Sarah Conor,… there are some badass chicks I think in the other terminator films, but to be honest I have only seen 1 & 2 in their entirety)
Tomb Raider (2018) S
Wanted (2008) S
Wonder Woman (2017) S
Honorable mentions
okay so these are some badass chicks that aren’t on the main list for one of (or a combo) of the following reasons:
They were present in several movies
Didn’t have enough screen time to fully develop their character
Their movie didn’t fit any of the categories/genres above
They aren’t necessarily an Action chick, but they are still a Badass Lady
Alice in the Resident Evil movies
Laurie Strode in the most recent Halloween (2018) & her granddaughter too
Dana in the Cabin in the Woods (2011)
Gamora in Guardians of the Galaxy (1 &2)
Black Widow in a ton of Marvel movies
Leia Organa in Star Wars original triology and then some
Letty Ortiz in the Fast & the Furious series
All the ladies in Machete Kills (2013) (especially Luz, Desdemona, & La Camaleon)
Selene in Underworld series
Ladies from the Xmen movies (especially Storm)
Trinity from the Matrix triology
Michelle Yeoh in pretty much any movie
Ewoyn in Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
Hermoine Granger in the Harry Potter movies
Elvira, Mistress of the Dark from her self titled films and horror hosting other films
Marge Gunderson in Fargo (1996) (this lady is badass for nothing phases her and she keeps up with all the boys on the squad whilst be super pregnant)
Domino of Deadpool 2 (2018) she definitely didn’t have enough screen time to fully develop her character although this movie was a delight
Clarice Starling of Silence of the Lambs (this lady holds her own against some creeptastic people)
Thelma and Louise (of course)
Once again all the titles I included above were movies I have seen that fit the categories listed. There are probably a bunch I am forgetting and many more I have just yet to see. (I hope to update this post & add more as I see & recall them.)
Any recommendations? Feel free to leave them in the comments! Or post comments to my Instagram feed for this post. @yougotdisblog
SO GO KICK SOME ASS, YOU BADASS CHICK!!! errr… umm… I mean, Happy Watching! You Got This!
(Image courtesy of Avon Books: The Loving Daylights by Lynsay Sands)
So lately I have been talking about some really intense stuff! Boundary setting, toxic friendships, reorganizing your home…. Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! Goodness knows we have stuff going on in our lives that make us need a mental break from time to time. Perhaps some Action Romance novels????
Okay, so I love some badass chicks and badass fellas falling for one another in the heat of an action-packed plot, especially if there were spies, aliases, or any kind of undercover characters. I’ve read A LOT of them, and some of them were boring, some of them were weird, and some just plain confusing…. However there have been some I LOVE!
HERE ARE THE TITLES I RECOMMEND!
(FAIR WARNING: Most of these are VERY STEAMY!!!) With a small review of the first title of each of the series (and one single title). Note the majority of these titles introduce the next romantic couple in the previous book.
Black Knights Inc. by Julie Ann Walker
Book 1- Hell on wheels
The protagonists (at least the majority of the male ones) are some motorcycle fellas who own a bike shop, but they are all ex-black ops who are a secret section of the government using their love of bikes to hide in plain sight and take down the bad guys. I found the characters of this series to be some of the most dynamic at least within the first couple of books. A later title (I think it was book 5?) that focused on a character becoming pregnant semi turned me off from the series, but I did find my way back… since that title, the characters have become a little less dynamic.
(Just some fair warning to my fellow ChildFree peoples, the pregnancy and the child became a major fixture of the stories that do not have this character as one of the protagonists as well.)
Love how this series has multiple perspectives. My least favorite is that occasionally the female characters are quite dependent on the male characters.
Deep Six by Julie Ann Walker
(A continuation of the Black Knights Inc. series briefly references those other characters from the first series, Black Knights Inc does not need to read to understand, however set in the same “world”.)
Book 1- Hell or High Water
This starts as more of an adventure story and they sort of “fall into” saving the day. These guys are retired “spooks” who now are living on an island searching for treasure. Honestly I liked it a lot more than I thought I would, even though I felt like you had to learn a lot of characters very fast.
Killer Instincts by Elle Kennedy
Book 1- Midnight Rescue
This is gritty. One of the most badass females I’ve read in a non-paranormal fiction story. Love Female assassins especially ones who will forfeit everything to save the innocent. There’s a child slave ring and some other very intense subject matter but it was very good. Some of the most formidable foes in this series as well.
Wild Riders by Jaci Burton
Book 1- Wild Riders
More motorcycle men who aren’t who they say they are.
The first title of the series ultimately wound up being my least favorite of all the books. But my oh my, this stuff is steamy!!!! Along the way this series includes such things as voyeurism, exhibitionism, multiple partners, joint relationship with multiple partners, and other steamy elements. So be prepared for a lot of *ahem* *wink, wink* STUFF, in these. The villains in this series tend to be sleazy and gritty.
The Loving Daylights by Lynsay Sands
This is a single story (although the author has said that if someone picked it up she would have continued the series) about a plucky gal who works for a spy agency in the office creating spy gadgets who ultimately finds her way out “in the field” and it’s hilarious. There is espionage and such but it comes with the pitfalls of someone who is not a field agent doing field agent work, and falling for someone on the “team”. (More comedic than any of the other titles listed)
Under Covers by Jessica Linden
Book 1 (Of two so far) – Body Guard
This is a Novella part of the “James Patterson’s Book Shots Flames” series. I only read the first title. I found it to be a lot of fun and a very quick read. The female protagonist is a strong badass bodyguard who I loved. However, since it was so short, and because of how the characters seem to start at odds, the romance does feel a bit forced. Overall this title (and hopefully the next title or titles) was fun, lighthearted, and just enough steamy.
So a quick list to copy and paste:
Black Knights Inc. by Julie Ann Walker (Book 1- Hell on wheels)
Deep Six by Julie Ann Walker (Book 1- Hell or High Water)
Killer Instincts by Elle Kennedy (Book 1- Midnight Rescue )
Wild Riders by Jaci Burton (Book 1- Wild Riders )
Under Covers by Jessica Linden (Book 1- Body Guard)
The Loving Daylights by Lynsay Sands
Quick List to copy and paste with the briefest description:
Black Knights Inc. by Julie Ann Walker (Book 1- Hell on wheels)
Motorcycle men who were Black ops
Deep Six by Julie Ann Walker (Book 1- Hell or High Water)
Ex-spooks turned treasure hunters
Killer Instincts by Elle Kennedy (Book 1- Midnight Rescue )
Female Assassins teams up with black ops
Wild Riders by Jaci Burton (Book 1- Wild Riders )
EXTRA-Steamy Motorcycle men who are undercover
Under Covers by Jessica Linden (Book 1- Body Guard)
Novellas with a really strong Female Bodyguard
The Loving Daylights by Lynsay Sands (not a series)
Romantic Comedy & lead who has to be a spy but used to be a desk agent
So if you want to mentally ride a motorcycle with a black ops agent or fall in love during the heat of an intense undercover mission, then go open one of these books for your reading pleasure! You Got This!
With all my talk of setting boundaries with toxic people in my previous post. Maybe you might be wondering, are some of the people in my life toxic? So here are some MAJOR RED FLAGS!
(Note: this list is not exhaustive… there may be many more red flags/warning signs… these are just some of the major ones I know of.)
They purposely cause guilt
There is an imbalance of talk time (example they always doing the talking and you do none or occasionally the reverse)
Your words are used against you.
They are allowed to vent but you cannot. (Their issues are valid, but they say you are being unreasonable, or should just get over your issues.)
They never reach out, non-responsive, use the silent treatment. (or they only ever reach out for their needs)
They constantly tell you that you need to change.
They act as though major attributes of your personality are new and troublesome
You feel on edge with them like you are waiting for the other shoe to drop or that they will turn or twist your words.
When you leave their presence you constantly feel drained.
You feel dirty, fat, ugly, because how they talk to you or about you… or what they focus on in the conversation.
They mock you, make fun of you, make jokes at your expense… (This is very important to note, if they do this but you cannot do it back to them in any way, and what they are saying is very hurtful but you feel like you have to “laugh along” or otherwise be subject to more ridicule, and/or be told to “lighten up” because it was “only a joke”. This is bullying.)
They expect you to drop everything for them but would not do the same for you.
They are never happy for you. They put down/belittle your achievements.
They spread rumors about you or discredit you.
They take advantage of you for food, money, time, help, etc. As in they will take and take and take from you and not only will never offer help in return but will refuse to help when asked.
They expect you to do all the work planning an event but expect the credit. Or they overstep any of your plans and constantly take over. (All or nothing kind of attitude.)
They act as though they know you better than you know yourself, will tell you how to live your life because they know best for you, especially in a way that is very judgmental and/or is attached to major life choices and those choices do not feel organic to you or your life or your views at all.
They habitually lie.
They purposefully make you feel dumb.
They threaten to end the friendship or relationship. They make threats in general.
You dread seeing them or hearing from them. (But also become scared if you don’t hear from them or see them for awhile… because of potential repercussions or conditioning.)
You can’t do anything right.
They expect you to fix all their problems. Close friends will help each other, vent to each other, and so on. However, if they do no work to help themselves but always expect you to fix their problems… that’s not good. Or in general they expect you to take care of them (especially when they can do so themselves).
You don’t feel like yourself around them.
They call you derogatory names.
They withhold affection (whether this is a simple hello or sexy-times with your partner) as punishment. Their love/friendship is VERY conditional… you must meet their demands in order to receive basic respect or love.
They demand affection. If you are a type of person that doesn’t like to hug but they force you to hug them. They touch you in ways that you don’t want to be touched. They do not respect this as a boundary. Or if you are in a romantic relationship and your partner demands sex/sexual acts when you are not feeling in the mood or not feeling right.
They touch you in aggression. They purposely pinch, grab, slap, choke, kick, punch you (or any kind of harmful touch).
They make you feel like you are crazy, negating your memories or acting differently such as one moment they hit you or belittle you the next they shower you with gifts and affection and act as though you were crazy for thinking they would ever hurt you.
They purposely try to embarrass you or belittle you.
They continually and unprompted bring up a past singular event (especially an embarrassing or emotional one) and act as though that defines you all the time, and possibly use this to prove they “know better” than you or are “smarter” than you.
They are an abuser of a substance… they use narcotics, or they can’t go a minute without a drink and drink excessively… they are always on something and not because the doctor prescribed it or because they have a medical condition for it. (Although this is a different form of toxic than all the others above it can still cause a lot of trouble in your life.)
BIG WARNING SIGN: stating or asserting your boundaries leads to drama, they never respect your boundaries, purposely test/do not respect your boundaries.
MENTAL HEALTH SIDE NOTE: When it comes to distance, not reaching out, and venting…. Well some of the scenarios can be caused by a mental illness such as depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc. But know that you are not this person’s keeper, of course be there for people but they shouldn’t take advantage nor should they be your problem and let them drag you down. You can assist them in finding help but unless you are a licensed therapist, doctor, or this person is your legal responsibility, it is not your job to take care of these people. (Especially if you have tried to help them get medical assistance and they refuse any assistance and put you in the role of their keeper/medical professional.)
Mental Health Relationship Know the Difference:
There is a BIG difference between
A) person who is a bit of a shut in “Eeyore” type that is thankful you asked them to come along but ultimately doesn’t reach out (okay!)
B) person who expects you to reach out and holds it against you when you have a life outside of them but ultimately never contacts you. (toxic!!!!)
There is a BIG difference between
A) the person who is struggling with depression and anxiety and asks for your company in times of need (okay!)
B) the person who says if you don’t hang out with them they will kill themselves as a guilt-inducing weapon. (toxic!!!!)
There is a BIG Difference between
A) You Feeling drained because you had a long day dealing with your own issues after hanging out with someone (okay!)
B) You Feeling drained after spending time with someone and you are not sure why or because you feel on edge around them or have to be someone you are not for this person (toxic!!!)
There is a BIG difference between
A) You feel dumb around a certain person because they are so much more knowledgeable since they have degrees in something you do not however they never hold that against you and do their best not to bring it up (okay-ish! I mean you should analyze this I mean you aren’t dumb you just aren’t as well versed in something… people are allowed to have different areas of expertise)
B) You feel dumb because a certain person puts you down, says you are dumb, or they are more knowledgeable and constantly hold it against you and/or act as though you can never be as knowledgeable as they are in a “I know better” way (toxic!!!)
There is a BIG difference between
A) a person who cares about you is worried about you and any excessive habits you have picked up such as drinking to much, not eating at all, constantly being on social media without a break, not taking care of your health at all, or spending money that you don’t have and spending beyond your means (okay… but ultimately it is up to you to change major bad habits that could ruin your life, they are just reaching out because they care but if all they ever talk about is that… there may be a problem, but it might not be with them?)
B) a person telling you need to change who are, what you like, and that you need to fit into what they like (toxic!!!)
FRIENDSHIP/ACQUAINTANCE SIDE NOTE: Also know there are all different types of friends & acquaintances … there are the friendships that you can tell the most nitty-gritty details of your intimate life, and then some who you meet over coffee and only discuss certain topics. (And everywhere in between…) NOW, no matter the relationship you deserve to have your boundaries respected, you deserve not to be used, you deserve healthy relationships… The warning signs above pertain to all personal relationships.
HOW TO “FIX”:
If they are someone that is reasonable and you can have a discussion with them about the certain behaviors, you can set boundaries that will be respected, and can take some space from them to figure things out then that’s what to do. You may need to limit time with them as you make these changes. HOWEVER if they are truly toxic, your best bet would be to break-up and cut them out of your life… this could be a friend, a romantic partner, or even a family member. Sometimes it’s more complicated than that which is why I have included the many resources below and highly recommend the two books listed in resources below and reaffirming your boundaries. (For more information on setting boundaries see my previous post.)
Hopefully all of your relationships are healthy and this list was just a future awareness sort of thing. Or you may now be on the path of healing by stepping away from some toxic people in your life. No matter what remember that, YOU GOT THIS!
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend::::Published October 20th 1992 by Zondervan ISBN: 9780310585909 (A good book about boundaries but very religiously Christian… so if you aren’t of that faith it can be a little heavy handed. I found that a lot of examples were useful.)
How to Break Up With Anyone: Letting Go of Friends, Family, and Everyone In-Between by Jamye Waxman::::Published September 22nd 2015 by Seal Press ISBN: 9781580055970 (And just in case you want to start the break up process with someone toxic)
Since I just wrote two posts about setting boundaries and how they are important, I realized that some of you might have been like me long ago that… I really didn’t know what people meant by setting boundaries and was completely clueless on how to set healthy boundaries.
SO Just in case you are looking confused at the screen right now and/or perhaps at those two blog posts about boundaries, I decided it might be needed to summarize what boundaries are. However when I began to attempt to explain it on my own I found myself lacking in proper description but after some research I found a website called “Sharon Martin: Live Well & Love Your Life” (https://livewellwithsharonmartin.com) that truly said it best so I am going to quote Sharon Martin on what boundaries are and also why they are so important.
First what is a boundary?
“All relationships need boundaries. A boundary is an imaginary line that separates me from you. They separate your physical space, your feelings, needs, and responsibilities from others. Your boundaries also tell other people how they can treat you – what’s acceptable and what isn’t. Without boundaries, people may take advantage of you because you haven’t set limits about how you expect to be treated. You can think of a boundary as a property line. […]When a boundary is crossed, you need to provide feedback saying it’s not okay. The boundary is worthless if you don’t enforce it by giving feedback and consequences. Some people will easily accept a boundary and others will continue to challenge and escalate it.”
Why is it important to set boundaries?
“Boundaries allow you to be your true self, […] are a form of self-care […], create realistic expectations [within relationships, and…] create safety.”
If you would like to learn more I highly recommend going to her website and reading the article in its entirety. The direct link for this particular article is HERE https://livewellwithsharonmartin.com/what-are-boundaries/ and is also listed in the links below.
SO OVERALL, Boundary setting is a way of controlling yourself and modifying your own behavior so that others know how to treat you. If you jump through hoops for someone against your boundaries, they will continue to expect you to jump through hoops for them.
Important healthy boundaries should be non-negotiable!
NOW ON TO SETTING BOUNDARIES…..
Setting boundaries can be tricky if you don’t have any self-awareness, if you don’t have a grasp on your desires/feelings, if you have had weak boundaries in the past, if you have lived a sheltered life, or have let others dictate your life and principals in the past. (Or any combination there and of)
So Boundaries start with your emotional needs. How do certain things make you feel? What have you felt was wrong for you but never said anything? Do you have your own personal space? Do you respect other’s personal space? Does something make you feel uncomfortable or stress you out? Knowing where you need to draw the line for your sanity and well-being is definitely one of the very first steps.
If you know something doesn’t feel right within a relationship or situation and you feel like your limits are being pushed or tested or many times you don’t feel like you have a say at all in these relationships or situations then it’s time to reaffirm boundaries. Boundaries are not mean, they are necessary for us to lead healthy lives. Some people are purposefully manipulative and will take and take if given the chance, whilst others may not be intentionally hurtful but will overstep if they do not know where your limits are. So know that boundaries are a form of self-care, you are not mean for wanting privacy, or not being touched a certain way, or being talked to a certain way. You are allowed to have time to yourself. You are allowed to state what you do and do not like. You can still be a kind, caring individual without letting people walk all over you.
If you aren’t aware of what boundaries may be lacking think about your relationships in the past and the things that made you uncomfortable. If there was a moment you could have said, “this isn’t for me” or “I don’t like when you call me that”… If there were times when you have excused someone’s behavior even if you didn’t like it or a time when you felt like you had to completely disrupt your life for someone else and it caused negative ripples in other relationships or situations. These are all times you may have needed to state your boundaries.
No matter what, even if you realize the million ways you need to set boundaries for your own sanity, it is best to start small and not make grand statements or burn bridges. Take the moment to truly analyze situations, write pros and cons and realize you may lose some friendships (probably toxic ones) and may have some people not know what to make of you. When you have had weak boundaries, it will initially be hard trying to stick up and defend these new found boundaries. It can get exhausting if you are attempting to fix too many things at once, so if you are scared you can start by setting something small or if you want to fix something right away then focus on the biggest boundary to set. Either way , if you don’t feel like you are living a life that is your own or that you constantly get stepped on or worked up by others then it’s time to start laying down some boundaries. (Side note: to maybe consider… there is also the possibility of those who are close to you thinking you are going through some phase or being possessed or whatever if you attempt to change everything at once, which will ultimately minimize your feelings.)
Now being firm on your boundaries is not a death threat or an ultimatum, but good boundaries are maintained enforced. (This can be by simply reaffirming or serious hard-limit consequences.) Remember, setting your boundaries is NOT like that scene in Looney Tunes with Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam, where you physically draw a line in the sand then yell “I dare you to cross it”. Instead, it’s approaching those you care about who can be talked to and saying how you are feeling and how you won’t allow certain behavior in your life anymore. It is also modifying your behavior to show how you desire to be treated. (Now some people may not be able to be spoken to or some scenarios its just YOU MODIFYING YOUR BEHAVIOR… a lot of boundary setting is you being firm in action not in words.)
IF you feel bad about setting a boundary analyze why. Sometimes we haven’t set boundaries because of ingrained false believes about the world we learned as children, such as “all people have the best intentions for me”. (Sorry that isn’t true, I know it sucks.) But figure out why, is it low-self-esteem and wanting people to like you? Is it guilt, or a feeling that you SHOULD do something even if it feels wrong? Are you afraid of confrontation, as though things will blow up in your face? Are you afraid of rejection or abandonment?
All those feelings need to be looked at and analyzed to fully commit to setting boundaries… because if you don’t believe you SHOULD or you believe that you CAN’T set those boundaries then you won’t enforce them. [Note: Boundaries are healthy. The right people will like you and be with you if you have clear and healthy boundaries. In fact a lot of times those who don’t have clear boundaries will overcorrect over time and either become someone who doesn’t respect other people’s boundaries or become a shut in. As I said in the Boundaries and friendship post, boundaries are essential for healthy relationships.]
ALSO BIG ALERT…. SUPER DUPER BIG WARNING ALERT!!! Boundary setting does not mean controlling someone else so that you will feel good in your insecurities. For example, you don’t tell your partner that they can’t be friends with someone because you don’t like them. That’s not boundary setting that is being controlling. Now if that friend acting inappropriately, you can broach that topic with your partner but making demands (aka ultimatums)… that’s a big NO-NO… and is not boundary setting. Also if you want to have healthy relationships and you don’t want to be respected, then you don’t fly off the handle when your boundary has been crossed. Healthy boundary setting involves calm steady strong firm reinforcement, not hostile demands, or being reactive.
A BOUNDARY SETTING EXAMPLE: You have decided that after 9pm on week/work days is your personal time to work on things that are important to you. You may alert friends or family who tend to call you after 9pm that you won’t be taking calls. To defend this boundary you will have to be strong and not answer the phone or answer texts after 9pm, you may have to mute the phone or not look at it and set to task what you want to get done. In order to set and reaffirm this boundary, you will have to resist the urge of “well they are calling it must be important”… well it might be important to them, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it is for you. You need to take care of yourself too. You also follow this rule, by not calling or texting anyone during this time period either.
{{Note:If you want you can make an addendum that, if it’s a true emergency leave a voice message and you will listen to that but it has to be a true emergency such as a flat tire or someone in the hospital on their death bed and you need to see them now… otherwise you aren’t available…. You don’t even need to say this. You could just not answer, I mean most jails and hospitals don’t have visiting hours after 9pm anyway, just saying. Otherwise everything can wait.}}
Example of some general boundaries (because these are some of mine) :
None of Your business. My relationship with my husband is personal between us. Other than some occasional (usually vague/generalized) info shared to some very close friends (and if needed a therapist) I do not share private information about our lives in the bedroom or our deep personal conversations. For my boundary he is expected to do the same.
Text Responses. When it comes to a few particular people that are important in my life but can become toxic and bombard with text messages/calls/lots of general nonsense (such as certain family members): I respond to texts that only need a direct answer and clearly state when I will or will not be able to attend an event as immediately as I know. I may say something like “I do not have the information on that yet, I will let you know by X” if I do not immediately know. No matter who it is, I also will give myself time to respond so I don’t feel pressured.
Some solid examples that apply to the majority of people, situation depending of course: (notice too, that you set this boundaries by how you act towards others too)
People aren’t allowed to touch me inappropriately even in jest and I won’t touch others inappropriately, even jokingly.
I don’t scroll through people’s pictures on their phone without expressed permission and I won’t allow others to scroll without permission either.
I don’t pressure people to reveal things they do not want to and I will not reveal things I do not want to, even when pressured to do so.
I don’t expect others to sacrifice the pursuit of their dreams for me and I will not sacrifice the pursuit of my dreams for anyone else.
I don’t blame others for my problems and I will not allow other people to blame me for their problems.
I don’t call my partner derogatory names and I will not allow my partner to call me derogatory names.
I do not expect people to justify their actions unless they have caused me or someone harm and I will not justify my actions unless it has caused harm in some capacity.
I would never stop by someone’s house unannounced and I will not allow anyone to stop by unannounced.
NOW YOU’VE SELF-ANALYZED, KNOW WHAT BOUNDARIES YOU WANT TO SET, NOW HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES:
Using the earlier example about having “weekday YOU-time” from 9pm until bedtime then through the morning by not answering any calls or texts in the evening after 9pm (and hopefully no one calls or texts)….
AWARENESS & STRENGTH. So setting boundaries takes awareness and a willing to change and the strength to stick to what you have stated. If you want no one to call after 9pm… well expect people used to you not sticking up for yourself to call! When they do you set the tone by not answering. You reaffirm the boundary by not picking up the phone. (Unfortunately people will test your boundaries, stay strong! And know that it’s up to you to set the tone…. A poor example of reaffirming your boundary would be answering the phone and shouting “I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL.” Not healthy.) Being a bully or mean doesn’t give you respect, if you don’t want to burn bridges or create drama you calmly reaffirm your boundaries without letting people get under your skin. You are firm and un-moving in your new boundaries. Also be aware of double standards… don’t say no calls but then call someone after 9pm just to chat. You need to be firm in your boundaries on both sides.
“I” STATEMENTS. When setting boundaries you will want to use a lot of “I” statements instead of “You” Statements. For example, “I won’t be available after 9pm and through the morning. That is the time for myself to get done the things I need to get done. I won’t be answering calls or texts after 9pm unless it is an extreme emergency. I appreciate it if you respect this boundary by not calling” (be prepared they may call)
SANDWICH METHOD. If you have a hard time setting boundaries at first you may want to try the “Sandwich” approach. Example: “I know you like to chat on the phone after work with me. I enjoy these conversations as well and I will be available to chat from 7pm-9pm to talk about whatever you like. After 9pm, I need to take the time to get done what I need to get done before bed then head to bed and I won’t be taking any calls after 9pm and I won’t be answering texts.”
No matter what be firm, direct, and clear. Don’t go overboard, but know if you have to set consequences or ways to reaffirm your boundaries you need to stick to those limits. Thus like our example, no calling or answering the phone or texts after 9pm.
When it comes to disrespectful people who either ignore or continually test your boundaries…
The example I am using doesn’t really lend itself to consequences. But sometimes you may have to set boundaries with people that you feel the need to keep in your life (or sometimes can’t get rid of) that are “controllers”, “manipulators”, “non-responsive”, and/or “abusers”. (Now I would recommend when feasible such as in romantic relationship or “friendship” to remove these type of people from your life. But if it’s a co-worker, neighbor, or family member that might not always be possible.)
Usually the consequence for those types of people would be “I will leave the house/event if you continue that unacceptable boundary crossing behavior” or “I will ask you to leave”. You may have to be clear that you will end all contact with someone if they are crossing a huge boundary or stop helping them if you were helping them. And so on.
When it comes to these more toxic people or situations you may need to practice saying these boundary consequence statements out-loud and give yourself a pep talk about following through. Because if you tell them “I will ask you to leave” and they say, “No you won’t” and continue to test you, you will have to show them to the door. You may have to call the police or a trusted individual to escort them out. (Honestly pro-tip, when it comes to toxic people that you have to keep in your life, it’s best to go to them or meet them out somewhere, so you don’t feel trapped in their home and you can set the boundaries of you will leave if they cause issue, then you can just leave as opposed to trying to force someone out of your home. Also, when possible the buddy system so that you have back up to reinforce or as emotional support. )
OKAY so now that you know what boundaries and how to set them, NOW you can go set those boundaries! YAY!
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend::::Published October 20th 1992 by Zondervan ISBN: 9780310585909 (A good book about boundaries but very religiously Christian… so if you aren’t of that faith it can be a little heavy handed. I found that a lot of examples were useful.)
How to Break Up With Anyone: Letting Go of Friends, Family, and Everyone In-Between by Jamye Waxman::::Published September 22nd 2015 by Seal Press ISBN: 9781580055970 (And just in case you want to start the break up process with someone toxic)
In the day and age of social media and easily accessible forms of communication at the press of a button, we may have to constantly fight to reaffirm and set boundaries. People post pictures on social media without consent, friends will text or call in the middle of the night. People will call/text/post with any random thought. There are multiple ways for us to be bombarded with contact and hard to remove ourselves for time for ourselves.
My Social Media Boundaries for example:
No Real Time Tagging. A boundary of mine for social media is that I do not allow someone to post or tag my current location. They can tag me in a picture after the fact, I don’t mind people seeing where I have been but do not like being tagged in a public place while I am there. (As I have had stalkers in the past this is a hard limit for me. I have told my friends this and to reaffirm this boundary, I will un-tag myself from things, reiterate the statement of what my boundary is when I see friends posting to social media while out, and I also have perimeters set on some platforms such as Facebook that I must approve all tags before being posted to my social media stream.)
Limit who sees what. I also have certain perimeters set on some platforms that only certain people can see certain posts. Such as I limit some people who I was close enough to add on my feed but do not know in a personal capacity from seeing my location or pictures I’ve been tagged in. I also limit what I post that is personal to me. (Such as I very rarely post about politics or religion on my feeds because I only wish to discuss that with people I am very close.)
Keep work and personal life separate. THIS IS A BIG ONE FOR ME. Though I am friends with some co-workers and people who come into my work, I make sure that there is a clear divide between my personal life and my work life by having a “work profile” and my personal profile. Same goes for my blog, I may post some of my blog posts on my personal Instagram or Facebook feed but I won’t post what I consider personal information or my current exact location on “You Got This Blog” Facebook or Instagram feeds. And unless directed to do so for work on my work profile I do not post any pictures that take place at work.
Late night ghosting. In the late evening (read: bedtime & trying to wind down) or when I am feeling anxiety (read: need no communication but scrolling to keep my mind from going everywhere) I will check off the “see when I am online” feature during these times so no one is tempted to send a message just because they see I may be on that app or device.
Limited Pop-ups/alerts. I have notifications turned off for most of my apps so I am not bombarded in my personal time. (I do my best to not let my phone dictate my time.)
Bedtime Muted calls & texts. At night when it’s time for bed, I mute all calls except for a few people who are essential to alert me of any emergency and of course my husband just in case. All of the people allowed are people who would never abuse this power to contact me in the dead of night and are the people I get the majority of my most pertinent information. (Also, the majority of the people who have my phone number are respectful enough not to call in the dead of night unless it’s an emergency.)
Social Media for Others mini-PSA:
For many within my age bracket and those younger than me these are perimeters that do not apply. They don’t mind people seeing where they are at any given time, allow everyone to see any thoughts/ideas/pictures they may post, and/or have no problem mixing their work persona and personal life. However, for those that may care but it didn’t occur to them that they could set these boundaries… well you can! In fact, this could be just the nature of growing up with technology in the way people have and not realizing they can set this boundaries. Some say that since we are being filmed by street cameras and “big brother” anyway there’s no point to stopping social media… to which I say at least for myself, I can still choose what I post and my friends post about me and that I personally did not choose a life in the spotlight such as an actor or politician where people want to keep track of my personal business. This isn’t an issue of “what do you have to hide” but needing to have intimate parts of myself that I carefully select who sees.
SOOOOOOO… if you are someone who annoyed about why non personal people are all in your personal business, it’s up to you to set those boundaries. Yes it’s allowed. Yes you can unfollow, block, “snooze”, unfriend, make private, limit… they have these features so you can use them. If you don’t want to be in the public eye in this way you don’t have to be or if you are someone that is in the public eye, you have control over what you post and put out there.
YouGotThis 