What’s a Past Self PSA, see my post: “What is a PAST SELF PSA? ”
The people who judge you and/or always chime in about your life, will always have something to say no matter the changes you make.
So don’t change yourself just to shut them up or because you heard that little voice in your head say “Well, I’ll show them”.
Do not change yourself just so that other people will be satisfied… because most times they will never be satisfied and will always look at you through their jaded lens. I know it’s tempting to think, “Okay If I just change this, this judgment will stop, this issue will stop.”
Most often… it won’t change a damn thing.
These naysayers can be any one in your life. This applies to family, friends, co-workers, whomever is in your business but shouldn’t be…. This can be about “fitting in”; the “social lifescript”; the people who think they know you better than you know yourself (which we know isn’t true).
SEE… The movie idea of “change yourself and then people will be so happy with you” is not only BS but also completely superficial and mentally detrimental. When it comes to changing yourself to “fit in”… well what’s “In” changes frequently. People start treating your life moments like check marks on a “social life script” list well guess what not everyone has to fit this social script!
For example… speaking of Life Script… by Life script I mean what society generally expects you to do to have a “fulfilling” life. Much like the song “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby carriage”. Life isn’t a checklist. But people may treat you that way. So people blindly following the lifescript may bug you and comment about how far along the expected life script you are, never giving anyone the time to actually enjoy the moment they are in such as pushing for when you’ll be married then when you are having kids, then when you are retiring etc. etc. … they will never be happy for you, or happy with your choices, there will always be something else.
NAYSAYING PEOPLE WILL NEVER BE HAPPY!!! You need to live your life based upon the merits you determine for your life. (And… hopefully in general be a decent human being who is generally kind and isn’t someone who is unhappy with their life that they become another one of those naysaying people for someone else… just saying.)
SO… BUT WHAT IF I DO CHANGE… WHAT WILL HAPPEN… well basically if you decide to change based upon these naysaying people…. One of two things will likely be the case:
- they will start on the next thing they want to change about you because they see their pressures worked and that you can be influenced by them so they will keep on going
- they are so committed to seeing you in the framework they constructed (their own tinted glasses) that they will not acknowledge the changes you’ve made and still criticize you over the same thing either by belittling the changes you’ve made or by constantly bringing up past examples.
DON’T LOOK AT YOURSELF OR YOUR LIFE THROUGH SOMEONE ELSE’S GLASSES, IT’S ALWAYS GOING TO BE A DIFFERENT PRESCRIPTION!!!
Here are sometimes that I changed (sometimes for them but mostly just changing for myself) and how no matter the changes (usually positive) the naysayers never stopped the naysaying… :
- With the “popular” kids : (this was in younger grades of grammar school) I would try to change myself to fit in by the way I dressed or acted or what I did… this often backfired because either I was mocked for trying to be cool or what I attempted to do was no longer cool. WORSE PART, was the more I tried to chameleon myself to awful standards the more I lost my true, authentic self… the cool kids will not forever be cool, cool is relative. Be true to yourself so you don’t spend a chunk of your life trying to remember who the heck you are and what you truly desire out of this world.
- With certain negative relatives: (positive self motivated changes, negative people) No matter 3 levels of collegiate degrees, a long-standing job with benefits, purchasing my home on my own, being the only level headed person during a few MAJOR (life or death) family events, and doing my best to not ask any for help until I needed it (and never asking this particular people)… They still talk about me and to me in a demeaning way and have called me flighty, overly emotional, and dependent.
- With an Ex: (positive self motivated changes, negative person) I had a boyfriend who said that I was unaccomplished, that I could never accomplish anything on my own, and that he needed to be my “hero”. (Stupidly I stayed “friends” with him after we broke up) and when I did accomplish things such as land a great job with benefits, get my masters with minimal loan debt–and scholarships, or even when I purchased my home on my own with no help from anyone outside of a relator… it never satisfied, he still said I was unaccomplished and worthless, he was a toxic jerk and is no longer in my life!
- With co-workers, distant relatives, strangers etc on the Social life script onslaught: (okay so I thankfully didn’t do any of the following for the naysayers, I did this on my own schedule because I found a freaking awesome guy who was like ‘better take this awesome chick off the market’, and then I said ‘yes’ and married the shit out of him because I was like, ‘yup this amazing dude is mine forever’… but you can definitely use my experience as part of the proof that the naysayers will never be happy and will just start on the next life script thing) “You moved in together?!? ISN’T THAT SO SOON!!!” but then right away “You moved in together, so when are you getting engaged?? Has he proposed yet?” Then I got engaged, “When’s the wedding!?! When! You can’t wait that long! OR That’s too soon!” (depending on the person) Then I eloped… “YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD A BIG WEDDING!” “WHAT NO CHURCH WEDDING?” then… “WHEN ARE YOU HAVING BABIES?!! DID YOU ELOPE BECAUSE YOU ARE PREGNANT?!”… yea, that’s where “following” the social life script stop for me folks!! (As I’ve mentioned before I am childfree and very happy being an Aunt.) … However all the positive wonderful people in my life were accepting of my choices… usually these are people who come into my work or a friend of a friend social situation type thing.
SO, as you can see I did make changes for my betterment sometimes it aligned with what the naysayers were saying, but I didn’t do anything (except for my grammar school days) based upon the naysayers because then I would constantly be unhappy and not true to myself because I would be living based upon their merit not mine. (Especially since I made changes that based upon the movie logic of change to be popular/change to be accepted/ change to be understood… well it still didn’t appease/please/make happy those who were naysaying, they either completely ignored the positive changes or started on the next thing.)
So just in case you need to read this too…
IF YOU KNOW YOU NEED TO MAKE CHANGES FOR THE BETTERMENT OF YOUR LIFE, THAT HAPPEN TO ALIGN WITH WHAT THE NAYSAYERS ARE SAYING… YOU DIDN’T DO IT FOR THEM!!!
Positive change is of course positive! Not making the positive changes you know you need to make for your best life BECAUSE it might give the naysayers a one up or some vindictive glee is WORSE than changing for the naysayers… you are now letting the naysayers drag you down on the thought of what might be their reaction. DON’T LET THE POSSIBILITY OR ACTUALITY OF “I TOLD YOU SO!!” LIMIT YOUR BETTERMENT …it wasn’t their influence but your own healthy metered decisions leading the band… and that’s how it should be!! If they gloat then ignore and know that they are idiots, simple as that.
Side note 1: Also, obviously making changes when it comes to combing your life with someone such as making sure to change actions you didn’t realize you did as to not drive your partner crazy, or change your behavior to respect boundaries is healthy and NOT about changing for the naysayers… (just make sure that that level of respect and compromise is being reciprocated in your partnership).
Side note 2: if your doctor has done research and knows you very well and says you need to change to fix your health, that isn’t naysaying… (however there are some stupid/mean/weird “professionals” out there of course… but overall your health care professionals mention dietary/lifestyle changes for good reasons)
This has been a Past Self PSA, now remember, YOU GOT THIS!!!!