Past Self PSA: Motherhood is not a “cure-all” & those who say so are doing a disservice to all women

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What’s a Past Self PSA, see my post: “What is a PAST SELF PSA?

Having a baby doesn’t magically fix mental or physical health, nor does it create the desire to have a baby if you didn’t want one.

(NOTE THIS IS NOT AN ANTI-MOTHERHOOD POST .)

MOTHERHOOD is NOT A CURE ALL!!!!  LADY PROBLEMS, DEPRESSION, & NO-DESIRE FOR MOTHERHOOD are not “magically fixed” by having baby. The belief that any of these problems/situations are fixed by giving birth is the craziest BS I have ever heard. LISTEN UP. PREGNANCY CAN CAUSE MORE ISSUES. IT DOESN’T MAGICALLY “FIX”.

People will say things like “Oh once you have kids your body straightens all those problems out!” or “well you will instantly feel differently about having children once you have your very own child in your armsStatements like these are toxic because it not only misleads those with issues into thinking that all they need to do is become a mother (whether they want to be one or not), but also indirectly mutes those mothers who have issues  that  A) didn’t change, B) became worse, or C) arose due to birthing/motherhood. Because of this washing over of motherhood, the generalization that  “motherhood is a blessing/magical/a gift”, there are so many who suffer in silence because they feel like they are the only ‘weirdo’ who is feeling the way they are feeling or dealing with what they are dealing with. [Mothers/Parents can be amazing! They are shaping a being and making sure that being stays alive usually on minimal sleep! And many parents may feel as though their child is a blessing… and that’s totally fine… but to say being a mother is magical or a blessing in every way, that it isn’t painful or that it somehow fixes problems does a disservice to all women, especially to women who are mothers. ]

There are mothers who deal with issues such as postpartum depression, severe vaginal tears, issues with pooping/irregularity, have severe brain fog, emotional drain, no emotional bond to the child, no maternal feelings…. There are mothers that just generally do not have “their stuff together” and think because of the myths propagandized about motherhood that they are an oddity.

So, If anyone says “that motherhood fixes” they are wrong.

By saying so, you are hurting all women.

Especially my mommy friends who deal with a slew of issues and think that somehow they are odd for it!!

How it hurts the women who become mothers:  is that they are made to feel odd or a rarity because they don’t have it all together, depression, or their life was fixed.  Motherhood is messy because life is messy. We all have different issues both physically and mentally, if you had issues before you became a mother they will still be there after becoming a mother… and that doesn’t even include the many new issues that can arise from the birthing process and so on.

How it hurts childfree-by-choice women: is that it purposefully messes with childfree women’s minds making them question the way they feel about being childfree, even though they know they don’t want children with every fiber of their being they are told they will feel differently once they produce their own children (and those that do concede often find out that just having a child doesn’t mean an instant connection or desire to have, they regret their decision, even if they love the child/children). I have met many people who have regretted having children because they felt pressured by society to have them as well as pressured by all the comments and things said to them to have kids. There are many people who didn’t know childfree was an option and regret having children, most will say they love their children and of course care about their well being but still deeply regret having them.

It also indirectly hurts everyone because saying such things tells men and women who aren’t experiencing these issues that these issues aren’t real, that the issues that people do speak up about are extremely abnormal, and that these topics shouldn’t be discussed. And how that hurts us all, is that this causes us to pigeon-hole one another, and the less we communicate the more barriers and conflict can arise.

So if you want kids, you should be aware of the sacrifices and the changes to your life and body and so on, not be blindly told “oh that all works itself out”.

Saying motherhood is a miracle-cure-all is much-like a super burden version of an exercise equipment advertisement….. (lets call it the Ab-Awesomer for example)  The ad says… “Just by buying  our Ab-Awesomer, even if you have no intention of using it, just owning the Ab-Awesomer will help YOU lose weight, it will fix you life! Everything that is wrong with you will become better simply by owning the Ab-Awesomer. This machine doesn’t come with an instruction manual, you should just know how to use it!  Society says that this is how you lose weight so you should believe us! Sure you might have other health issues, but don’t take them into consideration… if you get hurt its because you were doing it wrong, but you can’t do it wrong, even though science and court cases have shown that this can cause massive injury you should just listen to our blanket statements about how awesome the Ab-Awesomer is!” Then in that fast speaking part where they put disclaimers… “if you purchase the Ab-Awesomer you are forced to have this equipment for the rest of your life, science and lawsuits actually back the complete opposite of all our claims… we will make you feel bad for not buying this, equipment comes to life and will completely overtake your life”

TLDR:  (Too long didn’t read)  or “In Summary”:

SO KNOW THAT:

  • Your irregular periods, uterus/lady part issues won’t be fixed by having kids
  • Your depression won’t be fixed or go away by having kids
  • The emptiness you feel inside won’t be fixed by having kids
  • Having kids won’t instantly make you have a desire to be a mother, if you never had that desire before
  • Other physical aliments that you may have will remain after birthing children, and may perhaps worsen
  • Pregnancy and post-birthing can CAUSE new issues or aliments to arise
  • MAIN POINT: Motherhood is not a cure-all. Motherhood or birthing a child does not fix aliments. Motherhood is hard-work, messy, and should be your own personal calling.

You should NOT become a mother for the following reasons:

  • to fit in and “just something you do because everyone else does”,
  • to fill the emptiness because you don’t know what you want to do with your life otherwise and feel lost
  • to fix problems

Motherhood shouldn’t be taken lightly, it doesn’t fix, but it does create. The creation of another human being that as a parent of that child you will watch over it’s well being, help it grow, shape it’s world…. and to do so you will have to forfeit parts of your life and make many sacrifices.  It can be a very honorable calling. But it’s not a cure.

This has been a Past Self PSA, now remember, YOU GOT THIS!!!!

-Heather

 

 

A little something extra….

“Pregnancy does not cure endometriosis

Fortunately, the myth that pregnancy cures endometriosis is slowly disappearing.

However, it is not disappearing fast enough! The reality is that pregnancy—like hormonal drug treatments—may temporarily suppress the symptoms of endometriosis but does not eradicate the disease itself. Therefore, symptoms usually recur after the birth of the child. Some women can delay the return of symptoms by breastfeeding, but only while the breastfeeding is frequent enough and intense enough to suppress the menstrual cycle.”

http://endometriosis.org/resources/articles/myths/

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