Due to the recent Netflix show, “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo”, I have discussed her method of tidying up with people a lot lately. (And I discussed it a lot in 2014/2015 when her book “The Life-changing magic of Tidying-up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing”, which inspired the show, was first published in the United States.) … Just in case you are wondering, I am by no means a professional organizer or even one that could be considered very organized outside of my media collection and general work setting. So I’m definitely still learning as well.
Of course getting organized is by no means a new topic, especially not for American society… we LOVE our stuff! Advertising in the United States is very fear-mongering/lack-mentality, in the way that “your world is empty without this product” or “all your issues are cured if you just get this!” Add to that guilt and attachment, the lingering fears of “Depression Era” elders, and the “Got to Catch Em All”/MORE-MORE type marketing to the youth of our society… well we got a lot of stuff and don’t always know how to either get rid of it or at the very least organize it.
But I’m writing this to tell you, it’s okay if the KonMari Method doesn’t work for you. I know that when I read the book, I personally felt frustrated… the areas of which I needed assistance weren’t really mentioned in her book and it seemed as though her attitude towards paperwork was just to discard it all which as a writer, and someone living the USA, that’s not really an option. (Believe me if you live in the States, there are many times we need the original paper copy for things… be it filing anything with the government, proving payment of a bill, purchasing a home, switching over accounts, anything and as a writer who recycles re-purposes (and also in this day and age of hacking/proving ownership as a writer its essential to have original copies of things.)
And from the discussions, I have had it seems I wasn’t the only one who felt this way. I have had a lot of people tell me, how annoyed they were and how daunted they felt after trying to implement the ideas in this book/method. Especially the advice that one should tackle complete everything within a day, which depending on your situation and lifestyle is generally not feasible in the US. Also, I personally think perfectionism is unrealistic, the real world isn’t perfect, humans aren’t perfect, maybe obtaining a sort of perfection for the self if that’s what she meant, well I can understand that. (Who does the KonMari method work for… It seems to be a great method that works well if you are already a bit of a minimalist, a single individual, and if you live in a small home such as a single room or an apartment… or if your only trouble area is what to discard within your clothing collection/closet.)
I think a lot of people don’t realize that 1) we are all different people (much like we all learn differently) and one organization system doesn’t always work across the board for everyone and 2) there are cultural differences in the way in which Americans cherish/accumulate/attach to “stuff”. (If you want to read an excellent article about why the KonMari Method seems to work very well for American Women who want to thin down their clothing collection but doesn’t seem to work in all other organizing other aspects of the home/life then I highly recommend reading: Why the Magic Art of Tidying Up Doesn’t Work for American Women )
SO IN CASE THE NETFLIX SHOW INSPIRED YOU OR YOU JUST WANT TO GET ORGANIZED… I’m going to tell you about two books that I LOVED and wish to highlight, and why they worked for me. And I am also listing a book that personally didn’t work for me but may work for you! Also in the Resources section at the bottom of this post I have listed the majority of the books I found at least decent in some aspect that I have read about organizing and dealing with procrastination that you may want to look at as well. (As I mentioned above, I did read the “Magic Art of Tidying Up”, but as this is an article about alternatives to her method it is not listed in the titles at the end of this article.)
MY RECOMMENDATION FOR PHYSICAL ORGANIZATION:
New Order: A Decluttering Handbook for Creative Folks by Fay Wolf
(Review originally posted by myself on goodreads.com)
This book really cuts through the BS. What this book does NOT do:
Tell you to get rid of everything.
Tell you only their way works.
Tell you to buy a lot of organizers and expensive brands/things.
Use obscure words you have to look up to understand.
Use words in a condescending manner as though you never heard the words “purge” or “donate” nor make you feel sub-par for not already knowing how to have your life tied together with a pretty bow.
Assume you are a certain “type” of person (other than being someone who wants to use their time to create something or some kind)
What this book DOES DO!:
Tell you to get rid of what you don’t need
Gets to the point, by helping you minimize not only the physical chaos but also the digital and mental clutter we also carry around.
Has simple tips that are so easy to impalement, it may make you want to smack your forehead for not realizing you could either do something differently than everyone else has told you. (Kind of so obvious that you needed someone outside of yourself to point it out because you were just too close to the situation).
Speaks to you as though you are a creative human being, not just a mom, a socialite, or a high level executive. (I feel like almost every other book I read on this topic, assumed the only unorganized people were moms overwhelmed by parenthood, socialites overwhelmed by their couture, or high level business execs with harried stock report presentations to make… however these methods can definitely work if you are in any of those situations as well)
Gives you tons of websites, apps, and locations to get tasks done! (The author has an entire section dedicated to where you can donate specific items that is essential when you are holding onto items simply because they are in great working order and throwing them out would be a damn shame!)
The meh (AKA why on Goodreads I listed this as 4 stars out of 5.):
I do not understand how the chapter on making friends/socializing really works in this organization book. It isn’t so much about how to organize your schedule but how to network which I felt was misplaced in this book. Even though it was useful information, this really seems like it’s topic matter for another book. I understand this is probably part of her “New Order” but it felt thrown in among all the chapters solely dedicated to eliminating clutter.
Some General things I LOVED about this book:
The information on clearing both the paperwork (one of my major disorganization issues) and on digital clutter (yet another one of my major issues). So many books I have read either assume the type of things/categories you have or they are too vague on these topics.
The moment she spoke about analyzing why you do things the way you do, sometimes there are more factors involved. Her specific example was how one client always did her work at her kitchen table instead of desk, even when her desk was clear. The client confessed that the lighting was better in the kitchen, so the author had her client purchase a new bulb/light fixture and ta-da! she began using her desk.
the list of apps and websites to help you with specific mentioned tasks.
the list of locations to donate items.
Inspired me to get some things done right away.
The balance between needs/wants… The author is clear that you should first clear things out before you buy a bunch of organizers and that sometimes you may have the container on hand but its okay to go out and get the right organizers once you have organized what you have… Then she also writes that if you are a creative person you need the right tools to get the job done. (Not going to write with a lagging computer/broken pencil, paint with a crusty paint brush, or play guitar with broken strings, etc.)
MY RECOMMENDATION FOR EMOTIONAL ORGANIZATION/DISCARDING ITEMS WITH ATTACHMENTS:
(Dealing with guilt, emotional attachments, using stuff to hide—emotions/self, using stuff for a multitude of reasons none of which actually have to do with the physical object and why it is we are holding on to it)
Clutter Busting Your Life: Clearing Physical and emotional Clutter to Reconnect with Yourself and Others by Brooks Palmer
(Once again this review is taken from my original review on Goodreads.com)
I found this to be very helpful.
SHORTCOMINGS OF THIS BOOK:
Palmer’s interjected stories. Useful stories that seemed to be resolved by a simple phrase or reassurance. Though I assume he was summarizing relatable situations for the sake of the reader, it’s just hard to believe that every conflict he came across (especially those where clients had years long feuds) were resolved with him saying things like “try to understand each other” and “let’s be more loving”.
OTHERWISE VERY HELPFUL (THE GOOD POINTS):
If you have a lot of emotional/relationship clutter or you keep trying to organize but find yourself overwhelmed by emotion this is the book for you.
I did not read his first title on the topic of Clutter Busting, however, I have approached myself and my partner’s clutter with a larger breath of understanding as well as being more gentle and kind to myself and my partner. With this change from frustration and feeling overwhelmed to patience and gentle guidance with one another we have been able to slowly clear away the clutter.
I appreciate Palmer’s gentle approachand know that if it were just as simple as “throw it away” we would have done that. There’s attachment in multiple forms which usually involves holding onto some form of the past, whether that be a deceased loved one, an argument, or even the idea of who you think you “should” be.
Love that he eventually discussed the word hoarder and how it’s not a helpful term (those who embrace it are usually lost in their ways or are judgmental such as “well I’m not as bad as those hoarders on TV” or “I’m a hoarder, it can’t be fixed”). He is trying to take the judgment and negativity out of it. Force, anger, hate, or any kind of negativity rarely forges long lasting positive change, instead it causes resentment, fear, and a whole load of other negative emotions.
In order to change you need to heal and be kind, especially with yourself.
As for the exercises to try: I tried some but not all. I may go back and see if any of these can help me when I am feeling stuck. Overall, I would have appreciated these exercises at the end in an index.
A TITLE THAT MAY WORK FOR YOU!
Now a bonus title, If you have found success with “Eat This Not That” type of books or really just need someone to tell you the answer to “Should I keep this? Throw it out? Or Donate It?” (because sometimes when we are stuck in our old thought patterns we need a helpful guide to tell us these things, that may seem simple from an outside perspective but not when we are enmeshed in the chaos of it.)
Keep This, Toss That: Thousands of Organizing Secrets to Unclutter Your Life by Jamie Novak
Personally, I did not find this useful. I think this is definitely useful for some.
USEFUL INFO:
Her information makes so much sense: do you need five different tools that do the same thing?-no. do you need the broken thing?-no.
This is a guideline for those who have been desperately searching through their clutter for a map. This is a “but I need three of this don’t I?” as she gently says, “no really you don’t.”
Much the same reason I initially liked but no longer read “eat this instead of that” books, this is the beginning towards fixing the problem. It is important. For the food books it’s instead of eating the worst of the fried food, eat the least worse… but the ultimate goal is to be eating whole real foods and have a healthy body. For this it’s if you have extra, broken, not utilized items then get rid of them… but the ultimate goal is to to eliminate the need for the attachment and to have an organized fully functioning home.
She does offer some organizing solutions BUT the meat of this book is what to toss. This is your quick and dirty… Do you need it? Yes or no. Then get rid of it. (As the title suggests truly.) This is great for someone starting out just trying to clear the clutter.
IF YOU EVER GET A CHANCE TO SEE A PRESENTATION DONE BY JAMIE NOVAK, DO IT!
I read this book because I happened to have seen one of her presentations and talked with her in person. Jamie is so incredibly real, caring, and funny. With humor, Jamie calls out the silly things we do. (Like saving those few holiday napkins and plates… paraphrasing…”you can use them when it’s not a holiday. You aren’t going to throw a party with three left over new year’s paper plates.” )
Though the book is full of solid advice like her presentations, I wish her book had more of that humor weaved through as she did when she is in person. Also, I found the format of the book (with all the side-bubbles) a little distracting and a bit cluttered; I personally would have preferred a page at the end of each chapter or section much like her “did you know” sections, instead maybe a chapter on “how to re-purpose” or “fun facts”. Anyway, I highly recommend seeing Jamie Novak’s live presentations since she is delightful.
Overall I think Clutter Busting Your Life by Palmer, along with the “New Order” by Wolf have been significant in helping me organize my home, life, and mind especially from a lot of limiting beliefs and clutter that was conditioned at an early age. I am by no means “organized” or have everything together but the closest I’ve come and have helped me continue on my path of getting organized are those two titles.
So remember, you need to find what works for you, and you will. I believe in you! (So don’t stress, and don’t feel like you have to follow the KonMari Method OR any other method if it truly doesn’t serve you.)
So do your research, find what works for you, and get organized! You Got This!
-Heather
RESOURCES:
*= my star rating out of 5 (I’ll be honest a 5 had to be AMAZING)
I have read the following titles on getting organized (in order I thought of them not rating, or alphabetical):
Clutter Busting Your Life: Clearing Physical and emotional Clutter to Reconnect with Yourself and Others by Brooks Palmer ****
Get Your Sh*t Together: How to Stop Worrying About What You Should Do SO You Can Finish What You Need to Do and Start Doing What You Want to Do by Sarah Knight **
New Order: A Decluttering Handbook for Creative Folks by Fay Wolf (this is my favorite) ****
Organizing Plain and Simple: A Ready Reference Guide with Hundreds of Solutions to Your Everyday Clutter challenges by Donna Smallin Kupper ***
Organize Now! A Week-by-week Guide to Simply Your Space and Your Life by Jennifer Ford Berry ****
Talking Dirty with the Queen of Clean by Linda Cobb **
The One-Minute Organizer A to Z Storage Solutions: 500 Tips for Storing Every Item in Your Home by Donna Smallin Kuper ***
Eat That Frog! 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time by Brian Tracy **
Cleaning Plain Simple: A ready reference guide with hundreds of sparkling solutions to your everyday cleaning challenges by Donna Smallin Kuper***
Keep This, Toss That: Thousands of Organizing Secrets to Unclutter Your Life by Jamie Novak ***
LINKS:
Article about KonMari Method not working for American Women:
Subtitle: Why Setting boundaries and knowing your limits within a friendship is essential.
I feel like boundaries , most often get discussed in the context of romantic relationships and occasionally boss/employee relationships, or perhaps more situational… but rarely in the framework of adult friendships and acquaintances. In the future I may discuss how to set boundaries within familial relationships and in a work setting… but right now I am discussing boundaries in friendships… because I know I needed this years ago (and sometimes need to reaffirm it even now) so maybe you might need this as well.
Boundary setting within friendships is not just standing up for yourself against peer pressure. It’s knowing your limits and knowing when to say no because it’s something that makes you uncomfortable or just doesn’t interest you. If you are worried about feelings being hurt, know that a true friend would rather you say no, than going and being unhappy, or not going last minute and then leaving them hanging because you didn’t want to go in the first place. You don’t have to be mean about it, you can simply say something like “that doesn’t appeal to me” or “that’s really not my thing” and hopefully include the phrase, “but thanks for thinking of me!”
Now, people may have become comfortable in the way your relationship is, which may include a lack of boundaries, and thus setting boundaries may cause people to become uncomfortable and possibly test your new boundaries (or if truly toxic, become offended by these boundaries). Although all change can be a bit uncomfortable and strange at first, the healthiest friendships will take this in stride.
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean, never pushing past anxieties/depression, nor does it mean never stepping out of your comfort zone… Sometimes there are events and situations that are worth pushing past your own anxieties, depression, or whatever reason, to go do something… but still know where your boundaries are. If you know you will be drained and you need to really recoup, then it is more than okay to say “no I won’t be attending.”
Now, if you know that you have made a prior commitment and a person is depending on you, especially if it’s a special occasion, or there is money involved, then it is best to do your best to push past and attend instead of cancelling last minute of course…
However, if you knew in advance that something truly isn’t your thing, then don’t force yourself to attend or allow someone else to force you to attend. For example, I hate ice skating, I have given it the college try, I went several times as a child and even attempted to revisit it a few times as an adult… I have tried it enough to know that it just isn’t my thing and it does not appeal to me at all. (And not just because I am not good at it, I had a great time axe throwing even though I didn’t get a single axe on the board. I just know that ice skating makes me uncomfortable, cold, and I almost always get hurt and yes, I am also not good at it… so it isn’t my thing, and that’s okay!) So that means, if my group of friends asked me to go ice skating, I would decline that invite and not be attendance. (Now there is a “however” to this rule, so… however, if they were meeting up after for dinner or before for lunch, I would meet with them then, if possible.)
Also be mindful, of when unattainable/un-even standards have been set … does that person make you jump through hoops for them, have you bend your schedule to make things happen, and doesn’t listen to you when you are being open and honest that you don’t have the energy to hang out or no desire to attend? Now unless they jump through hoops and bend their schedule equally as much, this is unfair and unhealthy… also, if you aren’t listening to each other than not only is that unhealthy, but what’s the point of this friendship?
Much like the this image by instagrammer @theserenefactor
(By the way @theserenefactor has a lot of great, illustrations on self-care, boundaries, and health in general, check them out!)
The issue could be that you have weak/poor boundaries.
You say YES when you should say (or want to say) NO
Youdon’t speak up for yourself when treated poorly
You give up too much of your time (you don’t have time for yourself, to recoup/rest, or do the things you really desire)
You verbally agree with people even when you mentally disagree
You feel guilty or selfish for taking time for yourself
You allow (or “ignore”) when people touch you even though it makes you uncomfortable and you want them to stop
You are passive aggressive or become manipulative just to feel like you have some control
You feel like you have to “earn” respect by being nice
You over-share details of your life with others (such as you want to tell a small detail but instead feel the need to tell people information you wish you hadn’t or initially had no intention of sharing… or feel forced to share when you do not wish to)
You don’t know what you truly need out of a relationship or your life
OVERALL: Setting and maintaining your boundaries is a helpful practice not just for yourself but for the people you are in a relationship with to know how to have a relationship with you and also a way to make sure no one gets mistreated because sometimes those who are in a relationship with someone with weak boundaries can get hurt (indirectly) too! Boundaries are essential for ourselves to thrive as individuals and to have healthy relationships with people.
In the future I hope to discuss signs of toxic friendships and other boundary setting for different relationships and situations.
So go set those boundaries! Don’t worry, YOU GOT THIS!
Alternate Title: A Valentine’s Day that won’t break the bank, no matter if you celebrate with a romantic significant other, friends, or just by yourself.
A bit of a tag-along post to my “Celebrating Valentine’s Day” Post.
So maybe you are broke from the December holidays or maybe you are like me, and VDay isn’t high on your list of importance but you still want to celebrate somehow.
Well here are some thrifty ways to celebrate. All of these suggestions are sweet and simple suggestions, none of the more “ahem” ::wink, wink:: way of celebrating the holiday… I think you can figure that out on your own.
If celebrating with significant other :
Make cards… most of the supplies you need are available at the dollar store. (If you are a crafty person you may already have all the supplies you need, so this tip may even cost zero! )
Each of you write a “things you love about one another” list on piece of paper then exchange and read. (or write love notes leading up to or for the day of)
Clean or do housework for one another (or clean with one another in advance so that the place looks spotless and thus more romantic)
Have an at home romantic dinner: light candles and make dinner, eat on a blanket on the floor (for picnic style), or dress up the dinner table (once again you can use dollar store supplies to add hearts and things for décor if you so choose), can buy one of those kits to cook together, or look up a meal on Pinterest.
Send texts…. Send each other cute memes, gifs, pictures of animals whatever through text/email (or romantic texts too)
Cuddle to a movie (it can be one you own, get free on Netflix, or get out from the library—which then would be free, you could Redbox or Purchase it… or you could go out to see a movie… but that gets busy and expensive fast just FYI. As I stated in my last post, my hubby and I love to watch the movie Valentine circa 2001 with David Boreanaz & Denise Richards. )
Purchase Candy/treat to share (instead of buying each other chocolates, find your favorites that you love to share and enjoy together.)
Do a Silly gift swap… Go to the dollar store or basic drug store such as Walgreens or CVS, or even Walmart or a Food store…. Have a spending limit of $5-10 and give each other twenty minutes to find something totally silly to buy for one another.
If celebrating with friends:
Food Splurge! Order in food or get junk food, or even cook or bake something you’ve always wanted to try together.
Watch Some Movies! Watch super sappy romances or the opposite horror fest or action flicks
Get Crafty! Have a craft night… scrap book, crochet, vision boards, etc.
Get Appreciative! Write things about why the other person rocks ( you can even buy those kids Valentine’s and have a Valentine’s/Galentine’s exchange.)
Pamper Thy Self! Have a pamper night (Spa night, etc. Where you paint nails, face masks, braid hair, or eat chocolate… you do you)
Go Out! If you don’t mind braving the crowds and seeing lots of romance abound, you can all go out and split bill. (Fun things, that are expensive if it’s a couple, but cheap if you have a group are things like Dim Sum—share tons of different food, Sushi… and anything that you might be able to get a group discount, such as bowling, in-door mini golf, etc.)
(In the past, I had a semi-Anti-Vday party, usually the weekend before or after the holiday, that I called “Black Heart Day” where I focused on the horror movies and had fake horror movie themed valentines to give people, and a bloody heart cake)
If celebrating alone:
(It’s all in the attitude just so you know… so if you are single and don’t want to be it’s time to focus on how much you love yourself, not turn it into a pity party… but like I said, that all depends on you and your attitude.) Soo…. this is pretty much the same as spending Valentine’s day with friends except a little more intimate. Also the post I had about spending Christmas alone may be of help as well for some ideas.
Pamper thy self… bath bombs, lotions, face scrub, etc. time to show some self-love, a long soak in a bath tub (get comfy and cozy!)
Watch a favorite movie or a new movie at home (if it’s just you can make it your guiltiest pleasure, the movie you don’t admit you love whether it’s a kids movie or a tacky romance, whatever you make the rules)
Eat! Eat your favorite treats, order in food, pick up some favorites to cook
Get crafty! (crochet, puzzles, whichever, etc.)
Go out! Perhaps not on Valentine’s day because going out and getting a table anywhere can be an ordeal, unless you know of a place you can sit at the bar or something… take yourself out to dinner, breakfast, or lunch!
Manifest/Dream-board… whether you just want to become your best self and this is the time your choose to reflect and set goals OR you do want a person that’s right for you. Well maybe the universe doesn’t know what it is you want so make a list of the truly important qualities of a person… write it down, put it on the fridge, burn a list of elements you no longer want your life… any time alone where you can reflect may at first seem hard but just saying you “want to better life” or you “want a partner” is like going into a food store or a restaurant and you say “I want food”… you need to be more specific for yourself and the universe… so as hard as it may be to look at these things, its important, figure out the menu… figure out what you want, for yourself and the powers that be!)
A lot this can be interchangeable, and like I said, it’s up to you and your attitude of how this holiday feels to you and how you ultimately celebrate.
Alternate title: Giving Valentine’s Day it’s due & How I’ve been learning to like it even though I spent an inordinate amount of time hating it
For as long as I remember I’ve been a Vday naysayer or perhaps at least since it stopped being required to give everyone some kind of a card in class and I was no longer guaranteed to receive cards or candies from people.
But even when I didn’t out and out HATE Vday I did always find it a little uncomfortable. Let me be clear I am super pro-love and I hope everyone gets to feel love in some form, so it’s not because I am anti-love. It felt uncomfortable because even picking who got which card out of the box of silly kids Valentine’s felt like a great trial for me, especially when making sure that I picked the card that conveyed to that the creepy kid in class that I didn’t have any feelings other than platonic acceptance whilst on school grounds for him/her. And as I grew up it felt like a giant awful game of pretend where people conveyed feelings they didn’t have to get rewards. Which is why in my teen years my feelings went from uncomfortable to extreme dislike for this holiday. From my teenage years into adulthood; a time when the holiday more clearly became less about friendship and more about romance… it felt so fake and I wasn’t going to be fooled. Let me explain…
I saw that Vday was a holiday to guilt boyfriends/husbands into showing affection they normally wouldn’t or didn’t or forgot to, and through the form of fancy dinners, chocolates, jewelry, flowers; it was a holiday where girlfriends/wives would don their most provocative outfits/lingerie seemingly in attempt to earn that affection and perhaps also challenge themselves to become gymnasts in the bedroom to reciprocate for all the romance and gifts. For the “coupled” it felt like a wonky bartering system; guy gives romance, girl gives performance. ( I don’t know if a version of this stereotype exists outside of the non-sis/non-binary/non-hetero relationships but this what my teenage into adult years witnessed). Oh and for the long married, it often meant the woman got gifts and the man got to sleep on the bed and not in the couch that night because he didn’t forget. And then perhaps even more confusing for me was when it came to being a single adult on this particular day. Especially if you were a heterosexual single female who wanted to be in a relationship… well then the holiday took on a much more tortuous shade. In fact, I remember seeing friends, even some who would normally be proud of their single status the rest of the year, wallowing in self-pity desperate for a partner on Valentine’s. There is still a lot of truth in all of these statements however this is definitely a more jaded view. (Especially since all holidays are what you make of it.)
For years what I made of it, I spent being anti-Valentines, even when I was within a committed relationship. When my partners or friends would inquire further as to why I wasn’t into Vday, especially if I was in a relationship, I often told them, “I would always rather romance or gifts of love to come from an authentic place. I would rather get flowers on a random Tuesday because they thought of me or on a holiday specific to me or us such as my birthday or an anniversary.” And to my close friends I occasionally would add ” and I am certainly not becoming a gymnast for a box a chocolates or a necklace I could buy myself.” Mostly I spent many a year, turning the holiday into another Halloween of sorts, watching Valentine’s Day or romantic themed horror (usually campy or intentionally dark comedy) and buying myself whatever chocolates I so desired.
But to this day, my favorite Vday was what now many people would call a “Galentines” day get together. It was my first year of college, I got together with three gal pals, we met up and exchanged silly gifts and cards choosing to be each other’s valentines, (I think I got a plush dog and I cannot recall what I gave). Then we went to the food store bought all kinds of treats and cake and hung out watching my all-time favorite Vday flick (totally cheesy–as I said, how I like most of my horror movies), it was the movie Valentine circa 2001 starring David Boreanaz, Denise Richards, and Katherine Heigl. After which we went to a late night coffee shop that showcased purchasable art and often had live musicians, which sadly is no longer there. After ordering my “go-to” back then (a “Soy What” latte), I went back to chill with my ladies when I ran into a girl from high school I hadn’t seen since Junior year. She said she has just won the lottery, and was so glad she ran into us. We invited her to join us and spent another hour catching up and listening to the band. After our time spent at the coffee shop we then piled back into the car to follow this reacquainted friend into to a town that is now a hip and foodie place but back then could only be called, “shifty”. There amongst bail bonds shops and tattoo parlors was this little Resturant, that started with an I but had an O in it because I remember the O had a spiral in it. This Resturant (obviously ahead of its time because if it had opened in that town maybe 6 or 8 years later it would have been an immense success), had artsy yet delicious meals, I don’t remember what I had but I remember it being amazing and that something was flavored with foam and there was artisan cheeses. I also recall having a delightfully sweet drink which must of been a mock-tail since I wasn’t yet 21 but maybe it wasn’t? The meal finished with a desert that was both decadent and light. And all through the meal there was live music… it may have just been a guitar player but my brain recalls a harpist and a double bass. It was an amazing experience which would have been well worth the money but then the friend who invited us there was not kidding about the lottery and bought the entire meal for us! Slightly after midnight we all parted ways. Such a freaking cool night, that even as some details become fuzzy I always hope to remember. Also, weirdly as though part of a dream or an elusive mystery novel, I have mostly lost touch with all of those lovely ladies in attendance, and all three places we went that night (the food store, the cafe, the restaurant) all no longer exist.
This magical night was still all while I would say, “I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day.” But really I have been celebrating it, just in my own wonky way… all this time. All these years I have made it a time of self love, self appreciation and I will continue that and also continue it in a way that shows love for those that mean the most both in the romantic love way and in the friendship love way.
So what made me turn from saying “I hate Vday” to saying “happy Vday” and being okay with that fact? Well early on in my relationship with my now husband (then boyfriend) I had a close friend inquire what I would be doing for Vday with my significant other. And I responded, “nothing, I don’t celebrate”. I of course proceeded to tell her my reasoning and though it was a while ago I still remember the paraphrased version of her response, ” I can understand what you mean about it being superficial but I’ve personally always looked at the holiday as another opportunity to show love to those you love, which sometimes we all need a little reminder.” That struck a chord, what a brilliant way of looking at it. Sometimes life does get busy and crazy and though we try our best to always show appreciation for the people we love, we can fall into a rut of taking them for granted or just thinking they “know” how we feel so we don’t always say it or show it. Since that fateful conversation, my fella and I have made it a point to do something. Nothing major maybe it’s make silly cards for one another, make dinner together, share some candies or a sweet treat. But we make it a point to tell each other how important we are to one another. And also we almost always watch the movie Valentine.
That’s great and all, but how does any of this apply to me? –random reader or possibly you asking
Well I find that Vday is a great time to show love in general… it could be to yourself with some self care, to your friends with a text of appreciation, to a family member with a card/phone call, or to your partner with whatever way you want to show your love. Just make sure you mean it because that fake stuff is for fake people.
So if you have hated Vday or think it’s commercial bs… (and maybe it is but then what holiday in the US isn’t?)… give it a chance because love is super important and sometimes we just need the gentle reminder to tell those we love that we love them. (And I mean it even if your a super manly dude and you have a manly dude friend that you know deep down you would be freaking wrecked if they weren’t in your life anymore… well you can say over a text or in person, “hey man, I’m glad you are my friend, I don’t know where the heck Id be without you so thanks.” It truly, goes a long way. And I mean it, even the manliest of buddies need to know they are appreciated. And if you are truly worried about sounding weird you could send a day before or a day after, you don’t have to send it ON Vday.)
Anyway so that’s my little PSA on Valentine’s Day which my past self would have never ever expected future Heather to have written.
What to stock up on to make the Winter a little less sucky and dramatic.
(This would be additional information to my post: Welcoming Winter)
For some Winter may be wrapping up, but unfortunately I feel as though for a lot of my friends, family, associates, and myself it’s just begun. So…
If you are someone like me that lives in an area that is just inconvenienced by snowy weather or just feels so incredibly exhausted by it and have little to no energy to take care of the basics such as weekly food shopping and like then this post is for you. Also this list will be helpful if the power goes out in general (but especially during the wintertime) whether for a few hours or for a few days. SO whether it’s just that you are new to this whole being an adult thing, this is the first winter on your own, or you just haven’t been fairing well last previous winters… this should be helpful.
HOWEVER, THIS IS NOT A “this is what you need to survive for the next three months literally trapped in your home” TYPE OF LIST. So if you have moved to or are staying at a place where in which you need to stock up to literally SURVIVE the winter because the weather makes it impossible to go into to town to get food or supplies… this is not that list. I mean it might be a good start and I do have some links under resources that might be helpful for you but overall , this is for generally being prepared and possibly without power for less than a handful of days.
Even if you have a little apartment or have people who you rely on, it’s a wise idea to stock up on some essentials… who knows you might be the one to save the day for yourself, your family, or your neighbor!
Also this is another long one, I hope to do a follow up with just a “shopping list” version for ease, also I have a busy week this week so I wanted to get this up now so I wrote it up fast, so I apologize for any typos/grammatical errors, I tried to catch them all, but sadly I am no “Ash Ketchum”. (I know super geeky)
THE “Necessities”:
Toilet Paper: Get a lot, more than you think you need, this stuff doesn’t go bad, if you have the space get a lot of extra rolls, just do it… if you don’t use it now you will use it later… or maybe a neighbor may be in dire need and you can hook them up.
Disposable (hopefully biodegradable) “kitchen” needs: Paper towels, paper plates, disposable utensils, trash bags (these are helpful if your power goes out for a day or too… let’s be honest I don’t want to wash dishes when its cozy and warm and bright from electricity… I know I won’t want to do it even more when there is no heat, light, power, etc…. also depending on your grid, water quality will begin to go at a certain point so using water minimally during a power outage is a smart move. If it lasts longer than expected you are prepared. (after a certain point toilets may not flush, septic systems could become backed up, a whole lot of icky-ness)
Dry Goods/Can Goods: Food you need to cook that is simple or easy to have on hand. This way whether you have just had a long cold and bleary day at work and want to go straight home or if you are home but the weather is treacherous but the power isn’t out, you have food on hand that you can cook. (Also if you have a furry friend/pet make sure to stock up on their dietary needs as well within reason just so they are covered too.) Also be mindful a lot of can goods or plastic containers may have BPA liners so make sure it says BPA free.
What I recommend: Dried pasta, rice, canned soup, canned vegetables, shelf stable (aka Almond milk or Coconut Milk or Rice milk that you can keep in the pantry that doesn’t need to be refrigerated until opening)
Also stock up on what cookbooks consider the basics: such as flour, sugar, spices, baking powder, baking soda, sauces, etc. (Remember if it’s something you won’t eat it’s not a staple for you!) [flours, sugars, spices, and other basics cookbooks normally tell you to stock up on but I only sometimes remember to]
If you are worried about the power going out I would limit amount of items that need to be refrigerated (unless you have a backup plan or can safely–as in no animals or chemicals etc getting to or it’s cold enough– put them outside in the snow/cold).
If you want to do a lot of baking because the power doesn’t go out but you weren’t able to go out to get eggs, or don’t eat eggs here is a website about effective alternatives. https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/egg-substitutes
Food You Don’t Need to Cook (Dry Goods/Can Goods): this is good if the power goes out (or your will to cook has left your body ha!)
What I recommend: peanut butter (or any non-refrigerated spread), crackers, dry cereals, shelf-stable milk (again doesn’t need to be refrigerated until opening), juice boxes, power bars, chips & salsa, canned fruit, trail mix, canned tuna, canned chicken, dried fruit, crisped rice treats, applesauce, fruit cups
Another option: Ensure or SlimFast or any canned or contained energy shake to provide nutrients that doesn’t need to be refrigerated… (I’ll be honest I don’t drink any of that)
A Non-electric can opener: If you need any of those canned goods when the power is out, you’ll need this. (I personally don’t even have an electric can opener, but just in case some of you are fancy. I also tend to pick cans with a pop top lid when I can just so it makes it even easier)
Liquids that can become warm: AKA hot cocoa mix, tea, ground coffee beans… stuff that all you have to do is put a pot of water on to get you nice and toasty. (Some days, a cup of hot cocoa is the difference between a bad day and a good one.) and of course anything you may want to add some umph to that such a creamer (liquid or dry), marshmallows, sugar, whipped cream etc.) Also if you have a gas stove and the power goes out, you can light the gas stove manually (with a match) and still warm up soups and a tea kettle or a pot of water.
Entertainment: Whether you are stuck inside due to a storm or just don’t want to go out in the cold here are some things I would suggest… coloring book(s) with color pencils, sticker by number book, nonfiction book that you want to learn something from, puzzles, charged electronics such as a DS or Gameboy or cellphone, DVDs of fav films (many times the power might not go out but internet or cable might), board games (if you aren’t alone), exercise dvds if that’s your thing, crochet/craft projects, video games. Etc. Whatever you can do to keep yourself or you and your partner entertained. (Obviously if you have kids you might have to add more to this or specifics etc.)
{{{{ Note as someone who is all for libraries… I truly make the rule of I don’t buy books unless it falls under one of these categories: Nonfiction (that I want to mark up and/or need to reference often/will take me awhile to read), an activity book/journal/consumable books (if I am going to mark it up in anyway or if there are stickers involved that’s not something a library will have anyway), and fiction that I will revisit or meant a lot to me (for example there are some authors I love so much that I not only want to support them by purchasing their books but I will actually revisit some titles for the sake of comfort or ease.) …. And occasionally, fiction that I desperately want to read that my library doesn’t have. So I have these titles on hand for my cooped up times. I also bring home a lot from the library.}}}}
Batteries: for anything that is battery powered such as handheld electronic devices, flashlights
Extra (clean) sweaters/warm clothes: Once again if the power goes out you need to keep warm and you might not be prepared if you are depending on one sweater you already wore and is dirty or if you got your clothing wet from shoveling snow or something. It’s always good to have an extra pair of gloves, a sweater, hat, and so on. I even have a soft winter hat for sleeping in case the power or heat goes out and I need to sleep without heat. (this will save you from getting sick or really cold. Keeping your head warm is essential, you lose a lot of heat from your head.) Also extra fuzzy socks, fuzzy pjs and such are helpful too.
Extra (clean) warm blankets: In case people come over and the house is drafty and they need a blanket or in case the power goes out and you need more blankets, or if someone winds up staying over due to bad weather… all good reasons to have some extra blankets (and sheets and pillows would be good too)
Salt/Deicing Salt: for walk ways or just around your car because of black ice and such (even if you pay people to take care of it or are part of an association or apartment complex if you get snow or ice this is good to have, sometimes it takes a while for others to get it done and you need to get going ASAP)
A shovel: I know if you get snow this seems like a duh, but my neighbors have come running to borrow a shovel, like you know where we live we get snow in the winter… not the worst snow but we get it. I dunno apparently people don’t realize this. (once again even if you have people who take care of this, maybe they can’t get to you or they wait or you still have to shovel out your car… it’s good to have)
A car scraper/broom: to brush of ice snow from car and possible from walkways (the broom)
Bath/Body Care Products (regular hygiene & then some): HAND SANITIZER, wipes, lotions, shampoo, tooth paste, tooth brushes, razors, soap, hand soap, tampons, etc. You don’t want to have to go out in the cold because you are out of your normal routine products. Also the winter makes us more dry, so you may need even more lotion and lip balm and such for yourself in general. (a special note about lady products: if you use a reusable option, you may one to get some disposable backups in case you cannot wash these items easily. Just as back up just saying)
Over the Counter Medicines: If you usually get a cold around this time of year and always use particular Nighttime cold medicine or mucus fighting medicine; are more prone to get headaches and tend to use the same over the counter headache/pain relief; and/or always seem to have tummy troubles that can only be relieved by particular med… then it’s a good idea to get enough of those that you may need even if you don’t need them now, so that if there is a bad storm or really bad weather you don’t need to go get those items when you are in dire need. [Also if you take regular medicines, if possible to have a week worth’s of those medicines for an oncoming bad storm.]
A Charger Block: A charger that you can pre-charge to use to recharge your dead phone/devices etc. (TIP: remember to charge this and to charge your phone as soon as you know there may be a storm a coming)
AND YOU KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO SAY IT… THIS COULD BE POTENTIALLY EMBARRASSING IF YOU ARE READING THIS IN MIXED COMPANY… so FAIR WARNING… but as I am an adult married CHILD-FREE blogger after all and need to look out for my childfree companions who wish to remain childfree… I really need to say……
Condoms: This might not apply to you at all… but I am just putting out there in case just one of my readers, goes “OH thank you Heather, I didn’t even think of that you saved me some massive drama!” For whomever that may be you are welcome… for anyone else, you can forget you read this stock-up tip…. Otherwise, I feel this needs to be said, because there has been many a story of consenting adults participating in “adult” activities for whatever reason during snow storms/power outages/etc.. (And it’s not a coincidence that there’s a baby boom 9 months after a big snow storm/power outage. Some may be planned, however for everyone else who doesn’t want babies, or are waiting on having babies… and you plan on doing you know “stuff” then you will need protection, the pill, etc.) So, if there is even a small chance of you needing condoms and you definitely don’t want to have babies, it’s not a bad idea to have some stocked up. Maybe a few more than you’d think you might use, just in case.
Well there’s my list of what I would suggest.
IMPORTANT: If you are someplace that is prone to power outages due to snow/wind/winter weather you may want to invest in other survival preparedness items such as a battery operated or wind-up radio. You may want to winterize your home as well with weather stripping and plug up drafts etc.. You may want to invest in a backup generator and items such as heat packs to keep you warm. If you have a fire place, have wood or whatever you use to burn stock piled. Have contingency plans for animals and back up of their foods and such as well. You might want to insulate pipes and such. (Check out the links below there’s more info for that sort of thing. I personally may have like a few hours without power or a day without power unless there’s a pretty supreme super storm or something, so I usually don’t need to go too in depth.)
IMPORTANT #2: IF you know that a storm (winter or otherwise really) is coming and it could mean being trapped inside, look at all those items and double check if you need to restock anything above. Also, pro-tip, have some physical cash and fill up your gas tank. (If it is a bad storm stores may be without power but you still need necessities so cash sometimes is accepted at small local places but cannot take credit cards. There may be limits on who can fill up when and/or many pumps may have electronic meters that you cannot pump your gas anyway. So it’s smart in case you have to get out of your area to have your vehicle gassed up and to fill up any gas generators etc in advance. Note if you are in an apartment or condos or something make sure to look into what is allowed to be stored and also do not store things like gasoline in small poorly ventilated areas.)
BONUS:
Prepare your car! A Winter Ready car Should have:
Blankets
Emergency battery/Jumper cables
Flares and other emergency alert
Nonperishable food again (such as power bars)
Water (you could even get bagged water)
Scraper/Broom/Possibly mini shovel/ possibly tire chains
First aid kit
Possibly cleaning supplies and trash disposal such as garbage bags
Rock Salt/Kitty Litter (there’s a specific kind that works I don’t know which)
Extra phone charger
Window de-icer/key-lock de-icer
I’ll be honest I don’t have most of this in my car (I should but I don’t)
If you were looking for an article about being more emotionally prepared for winter then you may want check out my post: Welcoming Winter. (Dealing with Winter Blues)
Note: As I don’t know how thrilled my loved ones would be if I named names, I am going to be vague this time around and instead of using names I am going to call people by their title such as Husband/hubby and Maid of Honor (MoH) for anonymity.
Talking about how my husband and I wound up eloping seems a little like starting the fairytale in the middle. Not that I would call two geeky people in love with anxieties and tight finances a fairy tale but I think you catch my meaning… how we met and then our first date was quite the story and how he proposed was a good tale too! (One day I may put those particular events on here). So with what felt like cinematic beginning stories, how could we ever top that with our wedding anyway?
So the fall of last year, 2018, my partner and I decided to elope! We had been engaged since the summer of 2017 and together since the fall of 2013. With both of us are in our early thirties, and having been together and living together a handful of years, we had had many long discussions about the goals/desires of our lives and already built a steady foundation of mutual support and love. We really had already made the commitment to one another hundreds of times over and long before our wedding date, it just wasn’t official with the government. Ha!
(So already being committed and living together and everything was definitely one reason and the first reason that eloping felt like a solid option. )
However, we had originally planned on having a large wedding.
First our ceremony had its own set of flourishes and grandiose expectations… See even though we are both people with anxiety and stresses, we go out of our way to make people smile and laugh. So our original ceremony idea was to have a fake priest say a jumbled mash of quotes from a scene from our favorite TV show Leverage and the “Love is like a circle” scene from the movie, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. We were also going to then have the real officiant then take over and then begin with the “real” ceremony. Also there were discussions of people in costumes and all sorts of theme music… all in effort to amuse and perhaps confuse our guests.
Beyond the ceremony, we wanted a big fun party for a reception. We were going to personalize post cards instead of regular invites and use our creative abilities to DIY as much as possible so that we could make it personal and save money. A dance area, a board game area, lots of fun things to do! And the place we had settled on (because we knew so many other places were way out of our budget range and this truly would have fit our needs) was a place that half the year was a children’s camp and the other half hosted events such as weddings. When I called and inquired, I found out that the cost of our (reception) would cost $5,000 just to be held there (this is before any other costs such as table linens, decorations, catering, DJs, clothing, favors, photographer, etc.) I was crushed. We even crunched numbers to see if we could make that happen. We had had so many ideas and kept having to scrap so many things, then we had to severely chop our guest list, and still we had a hard time making a wedding happen within our means, unless we wanted to put our life on hold to save up for years and still have a wedding that looked nothing like what we had qwanted.
We then started to try to figure out ways just to make some kind of semblance of a wedding happen. We even priced out having our reception at Dave and Busters in one of their rooms that they hold birthday parties and office meetings… and with a 2 hour reception with only appetizers and well liquor, with a severely shortened guest list, we were still looking at an $8,000 price tag. (Which didn’t include things such as Photographer, outfits, and even a place for a ceremony) Perhaps the most unbelievable option was a farm with livestock that a friend had suggested, which again charged $5,000 accept this time you had animals to work around and not even bathrooms were included. That’s right so it was just as much as the other place but now we had to rent porta-potties!
Finally, we admitted to one another that through all this we weren’t even being true to ourselves and what we were trying so desperately to make happen wasn’t what we envisioned for such an important commitment.
Then right when we were expressing our exhaustion with this whole fiasco and started half-jokingly saying “why can’t we just elope?” to one another and began discussing waiting another two years to get married… my future husband happened to have an unexpected work trip to Orlando, Florida which afforded us just one day in Disney World at the Magic Kingdom and one day in Universal (The Wizarding World of Harry Potter). Such a short trip opened our eyes… this is what we wanted, not one perfect wedding day, but a fun life together, a future filled with fantastic trips, and silly fun. We were sick of being stressed out and thinking about what would amuse everyone or what other people’s expectations might be.
So even as we half-jokingly said “let’s elope” we had been reluctant to admit to ourselves and to one another that what we ultimately wanted was the quiet intimacy of an elopement. It was time to put aside the worry of expectations and potential hurt feelings because we needed to do what was truly right for us. (And deep down we knew that those who loved us would ultimately understand; which for the most part they did! Some grumpy people, but the most important people – even the ones that didn’t completely understand- supported us and have celebrated with us in other ways since.)
So how could we possibly make such a thing happen?
That’s when I recalled that my Maid of Honor (MoH), was family friend’s with the mayor of her town and she had a lovely pre-civil war era home. I approached her and asked her if she would help me, which is ultimately a lot to ask your maid of honor, but thankfully we had been friends for over ten years at this point and I was very lucky to have her in my life in general. So she and her parents generously agreed to have the wedding at their house and would get in touch with the mayor.
With only little over a month to plan and make the wedding happen (we wanted a very specific date… which we were thinking would be that date year 2020 but instead turned to be that date year 2018! We knew if we waited until the next year people would really be asking for the wedding date, and we wanted to surprise everyone, so we had very little turn around time.) …MoH, also had a trusted florist who we approached to make two simple bouquets, and boutonnieres and even found me a makeup and hair stylist.
COSTS
(These are approximate… even though this happened less than a year ago, I am already forgetting the exact numbers, I know all of these are close to what we actually paid but some may even be less!) :
My Outfit : $50 Dress (on sale!), $70 appliqué sash, $60 Hair piece, $20 shoes, $40 new strapless bra, $30 bling (shiny but ultimately costume fake earrings, necklace), $40 shawl/cover-up (which I didn’t even use)
Hubby’s Outfit: Vest, Shirt, Pants, shoes $150
Our Rings: $350 – 400
Flowers: $250 – $275
Makeup/Hair Professional: $150-$200
Processing Filing Paperwork Fees (to make our marriage legit): $40
Porch decorations: $200-300 (a mix of fake autumn flowers, real pumpkins, some fake cute little critters, bows, and string lights)
Photographer: Technically Free! (it was a gift from MoH’s parents) because MOH’s parents did all the photography!! (they happen to be photographers… I know I am a lucky girl!! And owe MoH a lot!)
Cake Ingredients: $30 MoH and I made the cake. It was delicious. (pictured above)
Cake topper: $5 on sale at the Lego Store bought shortly after we got engaged (I had to paint the hair red though but I had the paint)
Dinner after: $300 -$450
So including everything above and some other things here or there:
We spent a little over $2,000
So on the porch of my MoH. It was just the mayor, the couple (us), and our attendants (one maid of honor, one best man) and MoH’s parents did the photography. That was our entire wedding.
The mayor said a simple ceremony and my hubby and I had written our own vows.
After we said our vows and exchanged rings, we danced to our song off of a blue tooth speaker connected to one of our phones. Then took lots of pictures, signed the official documents, and then we had a slice of our homemade cake. (Pictured above it was delicious, Vanilla Buttercream with blueberry and lemon curd.) Then we went out to eat dinner and took a few more photos. Then just the four of us hung out on MoH’s porch for a little bit and my husband and I drove home. We were exhausted!!
And it was exactly what we should have done because without the eyes of all our friends and family and the pressures we put on ourselves for these people in our lives we were able to bare our souls through our words and cry our eyes out.
By the time we got home we were so emotionally overwhelmed by the whole thing that we were exhausted from even that simple affair… I am so thankful we didn’t have a big wedding!!
Now if you want advice on how to make a simple elopement happen for you and your partner, see my previous post: “It’s okay to elope!”
Thanks for reading about my special day and remember You GOT This!
And by elope I mean forgoing so-called “tradition” of the big wedding affairs and have something small. (that can be a true “surprise everyone we are married” or just a small event, just the couple, just a few friends, or just immediate family…. It can happen at someone’s home, at a travel destination, in a court house… and so on. … just last year I eloped, and for me it was… just me, my husband, the mayor, maid of honor, and best man and it took place on my maid of honor’s porch.)
So yes, it is okay to elope…
Not because it’s posh. Not because well “screw the establishment” or “damn those naysaying family or friends” etc.
Do it if you want to.
Here’s the deal as I stated above, I eloped… and as I am an over-thinker and researcher I spent a lot of time searching for books, blog posts, pinterest, Instagram, movies, whatever I could to validate my decision.
So in case you were like me…. Here is your validation… It is okay to elope. HOWEVER, there are things to consider. I will list them all below and resources as usual.
But first, here is a quiz:
Answer true or false to these statements
I am considering eloping because ….
My friends, family, or the important people in my life are against my relationship
I don’t want to elope but my partner does, and I just go with what they say
There is a big age gap in our relationship or we are both very young
Marriage is bs/whatever & we can always just get a divorce if it doesn’t work out
all my friends are all already married and I want to be married too
I have fears my partner is going to leave me so I need to seal the deal now
Me/my partner is pregnant, we “need to”, even though we don’t want to/ or know each other very well.
one of us need’s the other’s work health benefits
I don’t want to see people/spend money, but expect lots of gifts anyway!
I don’t think I’m ready for marriage/a wedding/commitment, but eloping is different, right?
If you said “true” to any one of these…. Then you should reconsider what you’re doing. See, all those above statements are the negative connotations of why people Elope. People think you don’t respect the institution of marriage, that you are a child being led astray, you are making a rash decision in spite of people, or that you are ‘with’ child… and so on. (Now granted these can be small parts of the puzzle, if there are things like toxic family members or pregnancy or any other factors that’s okay too HOWEVER… the reasons for your elopement should be because of dedicated commitment and your wants and needs… not ‘in spite of’, not because of pressures, not because of expectations. )
It is important to recognize if you are looking to elope because you are placating fears… meaning, eloping is getting married it’s just not with the big fanfare, it’s still a commitment, it’s still legally binding. It’s also still technically a “wedding” even if you don’t wear a white poofy dress or walk down an aisle.
Oh… And yes, on the option of divorce, which I am glad exists, because we can all make mistakes and there might be other factors involved… but marriage should never be entered into with the thought of “Well I could just get divorced.” Also, divorces are not easy, they can be just as expensive as the wedding itself, and if you don’t know your partner very well, and there is a negative power dynamic, you could be stuck in a very hostile and tricky situation. So yes, there is an out if something comes up down the line… but realize, overall you are going into this with the intention of “death do us part.”
SOOOOO… The thing is, marriage, in any form is a big deal. You are bonding your life with another human being, which means combining finances, sharing a household, possibly having children, possibly changing your name. If you are taking this lightly and without much thought… well I advise you to think on it a bit because it’s a big deal which is why people spend crazy amounts of money on weddings because they want it to FEEL like a big deal. But then the whole commitment gets lost in the shuffle.
So before eloping… which is totally okay to do… you really need to ask yourself the following questions…
are you ready to get married?
do you know the person you are marrying really well?
are you both on the same page about the really important stuff (religion, politics, having/raising babies, where you’ll live, division of money etc.)?
do you have any other expectations for the marriage and have you looked at whether these expectations are realistic?
Remember marriage changes everything and nothing… and by that I mean, you will still be the same people you’ve been. Marriage won’t make you wake up and feel a certain way. However, it does change dynamics—shared funds, shared living space, shared goals and commitments. It also means checking your plans against another person’s for the rest of your life. So it is important to know what you truly want and that you and your partner are on the right page/ meant for the long haul etc.
So you might be asking, if I feel so strongly about thinking things through etc, why did I elope? THE SHORT VERSION…. 1) We were engaged almost a year and tried to plan a big wedding, then finally decided to elope, which took approximately 1.5 months to plan 2) As we had been together for 5 years, and living together for 4, we already felt married. Both in our 30s & committed to one another. 3) Anxiety, Stress, Expectations for a big wedding were overwhelming us 4) Couldn’t justify the costs of a big wedding, and wanted to save money–we didn’t want to rob our future selves of financial freedom just to make an extravagance happen, especially when our current selves already have/had loads of debt. …. AND NOW, we are very happily married. That doesn’t mean that it’s all smiles and romance; we know that life can be tough and we need to manage expectations and also support ourselves and each other through it all as a partnership.
I may do a follow up post on my personal experience if people are interested… but now let’s get back to why it’s okay FOR YOU to elope (if you want to)…
Valid and healthy reasons why you may be considering eloping …
You have personal reasons that make a large wedding unfavorable such as health issues, anxiety, depression, and so on
You don’t have a lot of money and/or don’t want to spend a lot of money on a wedding
You want something truly special between you and your partner.
There are a lot of expectations from people who are truly not important to you and your relationship… so it would be just better to do what you want.
And also the most important of course: Heather of “You Got This” @yougotdisblog highly recommends it… (JUST KIDDING!!!) Even though I am very happy with my choice to elope and do recommend it…it’s up to you to figure out what you want! I am merely a guide.
NOW FOR THE REBUTTALS…. (or helping with those nagging thoughts)
BUT WOULDN’T I BE WRONG ABOUT NOT FOLLOWING TRADITIONS???
Traditions are relative. We create new “traditions” every day and some of what is considered classic traditional is not even so…. Weddings do come with a lot of expectations of “traditions” and extravagance. In 2018 the national American average for weddings was slightly over $33,000! Majority of so-called expected “traditions” were part of something that was necessary for the time it originated but has overtime been misconstrued into a sense of tradition. (Such as the reason why the bride threw a garter) Whilst many other “traditions” were made up by the wedding industry itself to get as much money from the Bride and Groom as possible! (Such as the need for a special engraved cake server)
It has only been within the last 80 years that a big wedding became such a “to-do” for people of every financial bracket. Before the 1930s (and actually well into the 1950s), weddings were a simple affair. That is unless you were royalty. The major difference is, is that the wedding industry has masterfully convinced the modern day bride that this is their one chance to feel like “royalty”. Honestly, they have made it so popular that even though you probably have debts such as car payments, and school loans, and so on there is still a part of you justifying some extravagance because “it’s my day!” (That’s like at one point I looked at having a Disney wedding… meanwhile our screen door we use every day has been held together with duct tape because we couldn’t justify buying a new one, but somehow spending $20,000 on just the princess carriage with its sole purpose of providing a grand entrance up to my wedding day walkway seemed reasonable… I ultimately decided it wasn’t but you catch my meaning.)
To me a large wedding (especially for those who cannot financially afford it) is just societal pressures and really the money making wedding industry being a big bully. So, No, it’s not wrong. Traditions vary, you can create your own traditions… it’s what traditions are important to you that matter!
BUT IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE?!
Well to that I say, I surely hope it isn’t. I know that sounds mean but it’s not… Could you imagine, your wedding is fabulous everything is perfect for that one day, but your whole married life is lackluster? (Also, I have yet to meet anyone that has had a wedding that was perfect… people make messes and cause drama… in fact most of the people I know have thought “IT WENT TOO FAST” or even worse, “I AM JUST SO GLAD IT’S OVER”… yikes! That doesn’t sound right to me… spending all you’re your money just so you can have this one special day in your life, sounds like a toxically mixed message… if you are getting married, I hope that there are days better than your wedding day, because if there isn’t…THEN WHY GET MARRIED???!!?!? I do not understand this.
I mean sure of course you love that idea of one perfect day… but perfect is a perception. And the thing is it also depends on your perception of what perfect is. To me perfect was verbally baring my soul to my future husband as he did the same with our personally written vows. It was a simple homemade cake, looking pretty, some pictures, and nice dinner. It was returning to our home that now truly feels like “OUR HOME”. However we still stumbled over words, I forgot to hand write transfer my vows so I read them off my phone… the florist who was only delivering two small bouquets and flower pins had the wrong day listed and had to be called… I mean things happen no matter what! It was still wonderful for us.
Your wedding day can still be an awesome day even if it’s an elopement. (In fact for most it might be more magical because there are less factors and stressors and people to consider so it can truly be your vision.) There is no such thing as a perfect day and I hope for you that there will be many amazing days in your life, not just your wedding day!
BUT IT REALLY DOESN’T COST THAT MUCH RIGHT?
The 2018 national average as I said was $33,000. That’s average which means there are some below but probably a lot more above. Now depending on who you are, where you live, who you know, and what you do, that might not seem like a lot but to me, that felt like a fortune for a single day. If you have a great paying job, the right connections, and generous well-off family and friends, then it might not be a lot but considering that most cars cost less than that average, and many people are starting with big debts and barely covering their day-to-day bills… yea it is a lot.
Also if you have plans of family, a big house, pets, travel whatever…. All of that costs money. I know a lot of people who have had to put their lives on hold to make a big wedding happen and are still with their lives on hold because of continuing to pay off that wedding. Look at what is truly important to you… there will always be expenses.
What people consider traditional or big weddings always come with a hefty price-tag and many times people will up the price if they hear the terms: bride, groom, wedding, bridesmaids, groomsmen, marriage… etc.
BUT DON’T YOU GET THAT MONEY BACK IN GIFTS? OR ISN’T IT EXPECTED OF ME TO HAVE A WEDDING SO I CAN GET GIFTS?
If you are going broke for a wedding, and your family and friends are in the same financial situation, they cannot afford to give you much either. Some may not be able to give even a little bit of money. This is also rooted in the misleading wedding industry… why stop at the bride and groom’s wallets when they can monopolize the friend’s and family’s… so of course the Bride and Groom should have an extensive gift registry… And honestly… it almost seems mean to expect gifts… remember even if your intent is for your friends to have an amazingly memorable night… you aren’t taking care of all of their costs… which can include things like: flights out to places, fancy clothes, pre-parties, cash bar, hotel rooms, dinners, spa trips, babysitter expenses… and much more… all of which can cost a lot of money… I know friends who are broke because of other people’s weddings.
Soooo… Unless all your attendees are of a certain financial socioeconomic status, there’s no way that you will be getting back the costs of the wedding through gifts. There is no saying who will attend and what they will bring. (Also everywhere I’ve looked it’s considered rude to ask for personal extras or money… I know this sounds crazy, if you are making a list of what you want any way can’t you just list what you want?… but according to the ettiqutee rules… that’s a big no no. )
Ultimately the reason you get married is because you want to make that commitment to someone, it’s not about how many gifts you get. Also, when it comes to big weddings, in the majority most bride and grooms will not see even half of the amount of money they spent on the wedding in gifts from attendees. (QUICK ASIDE: If you want something, and you elope, you now have the money you didn’t spend on the wedding to buy yourself whatever you wanted.)
side note: and yes sometimes even if you elope people will give gifts or have celebrations it all depends on the relationships youve made and what people feel compelled to do.
BUT AREN’T ELOPEMENTS/SMALL WEDDINGS JUST AS EXPENSIVE??
NOW, they certainly can be, it depends. Once again it’s about planning, picking and choosing what you feel are necessary elements for your wedding and a little bit of who you know. (Courthouse weddings are cheap, take a few minutes, just paperwork filing fees.) However, if you are eloping to an all-inclusive hotel on an island, and buying a ‘Say Yes To The Dress’ ball gown and so on… you can easily rack up the price- tag. However, an elopement is the best for those who are more private people, those who can’t afford a large wedding, and want it to be solely about the commitment.
Overall elopements are nowhere near the amount of a big or traditional wedding. However that depends on how much you spend on all the little details and what you value, who you know, etc.
BUT WHAT WILL MY FAMILY/FRIENDS/CO-WORKERS SAY!??? (Shouldn’t I be focused on making my family and friends happy?)
Honestly, I don’t know what they will say! It depends on the people. If it’s possible and you think your family would be supportive and receptive to the idea, then broach the topic with them in advance.
However, the people who love you and truly accept you will understand. There may be some hurt feelings and if you have toxic unsupportive family members, well they will be toxic and unsupportive either at your wedding, or in response to your elopement… a wedding doesn’t change people, so don’t expect fairy tale magic to change this. I know harsh, but it is what is.
Personally, overall my family and friends were accepting and loving. There were some who admitted to being sad that they weren’t there but ultimately understood. Our respective work places, families, and friends have had some small get-togethers… (most brides don’t get to eat while I’ve had multiple celebratory cakes! lol) And we are still having some. It’s awesome.
Ultimately if you are concerned about who to tell or not, remember it is up to the happiness of you and your partner… YOU CANNOT PLEASE EVERYONE. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE. (Also, and this is terrible, but with some people is much easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.) That being said, just be mindful of who you tell and what your aims are.
Overall know that you cannot please everyone and that you cannot control people’s reactions. You need to do what is best for you, the most important people to consider are you and your future husband/bride.
BUT CAN’T I JUST DO A SMALLER VERISON OF THE WEDDING I WAS PLANNING?
Technically Yes, yes you can. This is truly up to you. Generally, you are able to cut unnecessary items from your ceremony and reception and slash your guest list down so you can make your wedding affordable. There are certain costs however that will always be large (venues, entertainment, feeding people, etc.). Remember DIY is only cost effective if you have the time to spend to DIY and you can get the items and things easily and for minimal costs.
In Summary: So of course think this stuff over, like a lot, it’s stressful, it’s a big deal. For us, the most stress free option when it came to want/ needs/desires and finances was to elope. So if you needed that reaffirmation, it is okay to elope.
NOW ALL THAT BEING SAID. (Man there is a lot of caps in this one… but I feel like Caps and bold are necessary to navigate this crazy long post! Anyway…) This does not mean that I see anything wrong with someone wanting a big to-do for their day, it’s YOUR day, just make sure the reasons you want it that way are because YOU want it that way. And when I say YOU, (I mean you as a couple… You and your partner should be on the same page).
MY Biggest ADVICE, IF YOU DECIDE TO ELOPE:
Alert/Inform people ASAP: Make sure it isn’t more than a week after… Because then you get the “why didn’t you tell me?”. And also plan for everyone to find out as simultaneously as possible because you don’t want people calling in shock that heard the news from someone else. This can be family and friends but also co-workers… It is best to plan in advance how you are going to tell everyone you care about as to make sure they can all find out clearly within the same small time period. Personally, I had drafted emails I wrote the day before I got married, to my family, to friends, and work associates and then hit send the morning after. I also wrote out what I would say in a text for other close friends unreachable by email, and I wrote out a blurb I would post on Facebook. I also had a friend “in the know” to make up a simple website for me. Everyone got a message all at once (yes even our parents and close family) so it was all fair and everyone found out at once.
Treat Yo Self: Just because you are having a small wedding or elopement doesn’t mean you don’t deserve a nice outfit, flowers, or some kind of flourish. You can still buy outfits off the rack or off of Amazon, you don’t have to be a blushing bride in white. But if you want to buy something special to wear, you really should. (Side Note: LOOKING THE PART: if you live in the United States and are getting married in the US and want to have the “yay look there is a bride” cheering onlookers thing… you will have to wear something that looks like a wedding dress, have a veil, and/or flowers… because you can’t expect anyone to just “know.”
If you get a special outfit: if you are getting a special outfit and decide to go to a wedding boutique, David’s Bridal, or even the bridal section of Nordstrom… you need to give a little bit of time for alternations or to order in items. Also know that many places wont just have white dresses off the rack if isn’t considered “the right season” for it. So do some research. ALSO A HEADS Up: If you purchase a dress or suit from a wedding outfitter know you will be asked for the wedding date then put in their system and most likely will be bombarded with emails and perhaps even calls and texts for them to upsell more crap… er items to you. And if you are on a tight timeline, you may have to lie and say that your wedding is a year or so out so that they do not pressure you into buying something because they know you are on a tight schedule. (This is dependant on how much you trust these sellers and how much of a backbone you have to stand up if they say “oh this is the only one” or “well this is all we can do”. )
Hire a Photographer: YES even if it is just a courthouse wedding and a meal… Most people won’t be upset as long as you have pictures to share. And even if it’s a simple little thing you are going to want pictures. Even an elopement can be exhausting and a blur. It’s a special moment, capture it and of course take some shots with your phone so that it’s easier to post on your social media accounts. (FYI, its probably best to send announcements to loved ones and make sure they got them before posting things on social media)
Take a moment to reflect and to do some research: Look into your finances, know what you can afford. Our elopement took a little over a month of planning… there are things still to purchase at a small wedding such as wedding band and outfits… things to do such as book the mayor/courthouse visit/dinner reservation/photographer ETC. ALSO, each state has different wedding laws, there might be waiting periods, filing fees, you may need no witnesses, you made need two witnesses, there may be a blood test… LOTS OF LEGAL DETAILS… There are other laws and paperwork if you get married outside of the country…. So… DO YOUR RESEARCH!
Make a checklist and go through what you have to do (you may still have to budget and plan ahead that is unless you are doing the Vegas drive through): I highly recommend this website (also listed below) because this is the best checklist I’ve seen https://www.herecomestheguide.com/wedding-party-ideas/detail/elopement-checklist
Be firm in your decision: Do not be apologetic that you eloped. If you truly want(ed) to elope then it doesn’t matter what anyone ultimately thinks on the matter. Don’t try to guess at how people will feel, be prepared for whatever reaction people may make but ultimately it’s up to you how you feel. When I made my email announcement I made that very clear by stating: “It is with great joy and excitement that I announce we are now married! We love you all so much and look forward to celebrating with you in the future. We had a photographer in attendance so we will have lots of pictures to share.” If you think someone is going to be a naysayer, be a yay!-sayer so that their naysaying falls on deaf ears!
Budget & take a hard look at your financial wants/needs/goals : Really take the time to sit down and budget, maybe with lots of saving and knowing the right people etc a big wedding can happen… but also realize what you are forgoing in your life to make this big wedding happen. So crunch the numbers, and unless you know you truly can depend on your parents or your partner’s parents to chip in, know that the financial burden is truly on you and your partner. See what is important to you.
Don’t depend on others to finance you wedding: If you have a wonderful relationship with both sets of parents and they are well off and truly have your corner and your wishes in mind (this is the exception not the rule)…. Then sure…. OTHERWISE…. When others back your wedding they feel they have a say on how things should be so know that for everyone who pays a good deal for wedding expenses you’ve given them power and the right to chime in. SIDE NOTE: unless it’s a trusted wedding planner… which you can still have if you so desire and can afford for even an elopement… I would suggest making the time to make all calls and appointments and arrangements yourself, if you give someone else the voice to speak for you (especially someone who has wronged you or does what they want anyway) you are giving them the opportunity to change your plans without your knowledge and ultimately overrule your decisions (if they are malicious they may even charge things to your accounts that you cannot afford, take away food restrictions they don’t believe in, and some super crazy toxic people have even changed the guest lists!)
Extra celebrations: Depending on the people in your life you may have surprise parties, dinners, etc. in your honor of your marriage because people want to celebrate you. Know that this is out of kindness and love for you, however, there is a difference between someone holding something in your honor as a celebration and someone feeling they need to do something. Be mindful of toxic people and situations and put your foot down when you need to HOWEVER don’t get angry with the generally nice well-meaning people if they want to have some simple stress-free celebrations that they plan and you just show up, why not? I know this sounds odd but some people elope because they truly don’t want the attention and others because they are avoiding toxic family situations… that doesn’t mean everyone is toxic, you know your people. Also it is okay to spread the joy out by hosting small intimate gatherings here or there (a dinner out) a pot luck whatever to celebrate with friends or family.
Gift expectation: It’s okay to want gifts and accept gifts… its NOT OKAY TO EXPECT GIFTS! You didn’t have a wedding, or if you did, most weren’t invited… it’s tacky/rude to think you should just get gifts because you got married. Not cool. SO even if you have a party with friends that you got married, you shouldn’t expect a gift. HOWEVER, know that if someone does want to give you a gift, unless it is obviously negatively charged and you cannot accept a gift, most people are just being kind, not trying to “make you feel guilty because you didn’t have the big wedding they expected”. Unless it’s a festering turd or a threatening note written in blood, it’s usually okay to just assume they just wanted to give you something because they love you and want to give you the gift. So, if someone wants to give out of the kindness of their heart, be thankful and appreciative, and know how special it was that they wanted to give you a gift despite having no involvement with your wedding. They aren’t doing that to make you feel guilty. (And if they truly are because you know their toxic behavior, then it is perfectly okay to say “I will only accept a gift if it comes from a place of love, not if it comes with expectations or ill intentions… if that is the case I cannot accept this gift. Thank you for thinking of me.” And then walk the heck away.)
Dealing with Vendors/Venues: If you have a special destination or a special vendor that you would like at your wedding/event know that many will have dollar signs in their eyes and see you not as a human being but an ability to upsell (it’s just the economy and the industry don’t take it personally) however go in with awareness that there will be this thought process and sometimes you may be ignored or pushed around if you aren’t have a big extravaganza. Again as I said do you research and make sure you have other venues/vendors you can play against the others and also have information like “this was stated on your website and on another reputable website as this price, or this offer, what you are saying isn’t congruent with that information”… and worst case sceanrio you can leverage with a semi-threat of writing a poor social media review and spreading the word about being treated poorly or given inflated prices etc. (Pro tip if you do write a review, calm the freak down before you do, and write it from a place of “just to let everyone know because I don’t want you to deal with this,”or “I don’t want this to happen to you” attitude because, there are a lot of crazy people on the internet, so it’s best if you want to be taken seriously to write from a place of making people aware, NOT from a place of “these A**holes are f***ing liars who rip you off...” etc. ALSO DO NOT WRITE A NEGATIVE REVIEW IF YOU ARE STILL GOING TO USE THAT VENDOR!!! THEY MAY BECOME SPITEFUL AND PURPOSEFULLY RUIN YOUR WEDDING!!…. so be mindful of how you use this power… I would suggest only saying that you would write a review as leverage and then only writing the review either after not getting anywhere so you aren’t hiring them or writing a poor review for a vendor you did use that was ultimately terrible after the wedding is over. ALSO don’t write a negative review, if they fixed their mistake, we all make mistakes if they took the time to correct it, then focus on the positive.)
Whew, I think this my longest post by far… but marriage (even an elopement is a big deal so I wanted to give you as much as I could!)
Now go get hitched! (or not) No matter what, You GOT this!
Some of these may be a little outdated on the exact costs but otherwise are still very useful. Most of the titles are on budgeting a wedding of any size.
The ones I have read…
One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding by Rebecca Mead
Let’s Elope: The Definitive Guide to Eloping, Destination Weddings, and Other Creative Wedding Options by Scott Shaw and Lynn Beahan
The ones I haven’t read but come highly recommended…
The Broke-Ass Bride’s Wedding Guide: Hundreds of Tips and Tricks for Hitting Your Budget by Dana La Rue
A Practical Wedding: Creative Ideas for Planning a Beautiful, Affordable, and Meaningful Celebration by Meg Keene (2nd edition)
Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides by Ariel Meadow Stallings
The DIY Wedding: Celebrate Your Day Your Way by Kelly Bare & Natalie Zee Drieu
The festive holiday season is essentially over, the lights have come down, no longer sparkling beacons in the dark crisp winter nights… and the thing is it’s these cold dark winter nights of January, February, and even March that we really need them. I get why so many hold tight unto Christmas way past December 25, not relinquishing their tree until the last needle falls, and that some even dive head first into Valentine’s Day. The true winter months with its inclement weather and its bitter cold temperatures and of course without the flourish of the twinkle lights and festive comforts, are some of the toughest months for a lot of us. So it makes sense that many seem to catch the Winter Blues.
Maybe you love the winter activities; I once worked with a person who reveled in shoveling snow… (which I guess if I didn’t HAVE TO do it maybe…) but there are lots of fun wintry activities: Sledding, skiing, snow tubing, etc
Or maybe you are more like me, that overall I like the occasional brisk winter walk as long as it doesn’t seem too icy and I have secure shoes (I’ve slipped and fallen on the ice waaaaay too many times, I’m now obnoxiously cautious) and maybe once within the winter season if the circumstances with finances and the correct amount of snowy precipitation, I may snow tube and hopefully at least build one snow man. But honestly other than the snowman which I do every year, I mostly avoid the outside wintertime world and though I have skied, it’s something I’ve done only twice. (Also I do not ice skate, I’ve given it multiple tries and done it enough times to say that it is something I do not do, and as stated at the beginning of this paragraph: I am not surefooted on ice.)
Despite not being wintertime’s biggest cheerleader, I do understand its purpose and I am thankful that the season exists. The seasons are telling us, it’s time to rest, it’s time to restore. Though due to work and general life it’s hard to hit pause, the season is telling us to stop, take a moment, and breathe. Not something we always allow ourselves to do in this go-go-go, have it done yesterday top speed reality that a lot of us have, but even the earth through the season of winter is saying, it’s time to take a break and rest.
Many times this weather/time can be draining, it’s hard often times to recognize that even indirect sunlight has an effect on us. And also, many people in both in the fields of science and health have written about how the cold weather is often more taxing on the body than any other season, and that we need water more than we do in the summer but often consume it less. Top that with the fact that, the winter weather can often times make me feel trapped… even the not so snowy days just with the sun setting long before dinner time, it feels like I’m stuck in a cave. And that stuck feeling coupled with off and on anxiety… well it makes me hyper sensitive to my surroundings; I become aware of how dim or bright the lights are in my home, the scents I encounter can be overpowering, and even the media I consume such as what I read, listen to, or watch can have a larger than life impact on me. So coming from that perspective here is how I am welcoming and enjoying my winter. (If you are similar to me in that you become hyper aware of your surroundings during winter time and/or you tend to generally more prone to feeling the Winter Blues or a touch of Cabin Fever, then maybe this will help you too!)
Welcoming & Enjoying Winter…
I am mindful about the media I consume…. I do not read or watch any horror during the winter months. I stick to literature and films that are humorous and enlightening. I read more nonfiction with a focus on self-help or on a non-stressful topic that interests me.
I make playlists of either mellow fun songs or empowering badass songs that get me going. This is essentially part of the whole “being mindful of the media I consume” thing but I also make sure to fill my space with the right soundtrack for me needs and make sure it’s nothing too spooky, depressing, or personally offensive. (Yes I listen to silly Halloween music such as Ghostbusters theme song and It’s a Dead Man’s Party by Oingo Boingo all year long… and yes I even like those terribly derogatory booty shaking music… but I am more effected by even the lyrics during the winter so I am mindful of what music I put on.)
I give myself the permission to relax and get creative. In general I like to write but I also enjoy coloring, sticker-by-number-books, crocheting, puzzles, and baking. When I return home from work or have the time to do so I make sure I have creative outlets that aren’t too taxing.
I add scents and smells that make me happy and I know won’t overwhelm me. I burn incense, light candles, use lotions, essential oils and am even mindful of what I cook and how the aromas fill my home.
I make sure to play games. I will play board, card, or video games with my husband. I will have people over for a game night. I will also play some video games solo.
I decorate my home and make it more hygge. (I honestly didn’t know that was what it was called until recently. Hygee is a term from Danish culture that means creating a lifestyle and/or atmosphere of coziness and comfort. ) I will make sure I have lots of fluffy blankets and pillows. I will unashamedly have my stuffed animals all about. This year I am adding some twinkle and white string lights to our living room to keep some of that wintry magic from the holidays alive.
I have lots of comfortable clothes and items clean & accessible to wear when I am home. (I in generally try to make sure most of my clothes even my professional work clothes are soft to the touch so that I am comfortable.) However I make sure more than ever to have all fuzzy pajamas to wear around the house, fuzzy socks, fuzzy slippers… apparently an outfit of hygge.
I also make sure to be prepared for the harshness of winter. I have already caulked drafty spots, purchased salts for my walk way, and gotten out my tucked away winter apparel. I have candles and other items in case snow creates a power outage and we are stuck inside. I also make sure my car has a shovel, scrapper, etc. Being prepared for the rough winter makes it easier. (I also find that the years I am most prepared it also happens to be the winters that are the least intense.)
I also try to stock my home with food “essentials”. Other than the general staples of pasta, rice, and so on. I also make sure I have healthy type snack food in general but also in case power goes out and we can’t cook, such as power bars, cereals… and I make sure I have lots of healthy yummy foods and tea and hot cocoa, because I know a cold wintry day at work I am going to drive home, put on fuzzy clothes and not go out again until I have to.
I make sure to add some exercise. I know! I know! I was just talking about fuzzy clothes, video games, and hot cocoa… do I really exercise? To that I say…. Yes, not like crazy but exercise is essential to beating the winter blues and keeping sickness away. (It keeps your body healthy.) I do little exercises, exercise games, dance around my house like a lunatic, and do some yoga and stretches. I highly recommend yoga as a way to relax and take away the tensions that can form in the body. {{If you want some infographics/lists on fun, quick, or geeky ways to exercise check out the Pinterest boards I created on the topics! (@yougotdisblog)}}
I try to get together/keep in touch with friends. Though many times winter weather makes me want to make poor food choices, put on pajamas and sleep until the truly returns… I make it a point to keep in touch. Sometimes just a phone call, sometimes a simple game night or crochet night, sometimes a big pot luck or movie night. In the past I have even created group chats and downloaded interactive apps such as Draw Something or Words with Friends so that I could have human interaction and some fun during a snowstorm.
I try to get some fresh air. Once again though I like to hide away, I try to breathe in the fresh crisp cool air a little bit each day.
I try to learn something new. Whether it’s just a single crochet stick or reading a nonfiction book I feel like this is the perfect time to learn something new. If I didn’t have to go to work I probably would focus on learning a language or taking a free online course.
I will take this time to plan. I may be taking a trip come the warmer months. During this time I do my research about the place I be going, figure out what things I need to accomplish (putting money aside, getting in shape, whichever) and take this time to plan and focus on the happy future. (I am very much all about staying the moment, but planning is good especially for trips that you need to really get a detailed itinerary.)
I will also try to express gratitude. ood stuffs and cheese. Cheese food and stuffs. Okay in general I try to do this every day, but if I can do little things like reach out to my friends who also are feeling blue and tell them the awesome reasons why I appreciate them and why they rock I will. (An idea in my back pocket for some future date, probably not this year, I want to send out “appreciation cards” to my friends.)
I will do something for self-care every day. By self-care I mean, take the time to really pamper myself not just in fuzzy clothes but also in face washing routine, adding oils to my hair that usually I put off because I’m too busy, painting my nails, meditation, and other things to really take care of myself. Around Christmas and New Years I make it a point to purchase some new items that I will find useful or replenish things like soaps and lotions that have run out. I may even buy some new tinted lip balm or nail polish. (In general I am very minimal on my makeup, so I continue to keep it simple in the winter.)
I will get organized and keep my house clean. Okay so any one who owns or rents a home of any kind (who isn’t a minimalist) knows that cleaning can be an every day battle. (Yes even for the people who don’t have kids, especially ones prone to seasonal depression and anxiety.) So I plan to keep my living space as tidy as possible and if I find some extra time I will dig deep and organize some things that I’ve been meaning to. (Such as organize my craft supplies, and reorganize my messy closet.)
I will do my best to drink lots of water. Because we all need water in general but everything I have read on the winter says we need it the most in the winter time.
I will make sure to bundle up! Okay sometimes I am a pro at this and others times it’s like I have winter amnesia. Gloves, hats, scarfs and thick socks are essential.
I’m sure I am forgetting something… but that’s how I don’t go cabin fever stir crazy wintered-out!
Other suggestions recommended by my research to beat the Winter Blues that either I know I can’t commit to or personally don’t agree with… but think are worth mentioning… :
Purchase and use a light box to simulate natural light
Amp up your diet and supplements to make sure you have more magnesium, vitamin D, vitamin B12 etc. ( I may try.)
Join a Support Group (I had a hard time finding information about Winter Blues/Cabin Fever Support groups… but a lot of sites suggested it. Not something that would appeal to me. This is one of those times that the support of my friends will be good enough for me.)
Get a massage (I would love to do this… but it all depends on the funds and my packed schedule, but as I said I will do other self-care things!)
Purge… out with the old, get rid of things. (Now I may do this, but not in the level that I’ve seen these sources recommend. Organizing & purging are two different things… I know that I don’t have the energy to overhaul my home and discard emotionally charged items while I’m already pretty emotionally taxed.)
Invest in/buy more plants. Yet another thing I say that I will do and really want to do, but I am barely keeping my one aloe plant from the verge of death so I think I’m going to hold off this year.
Rearrange furniture so that everything is in natural light and invest in black out shades etc. (Like I said with purging… rearranging my home could be overwhelming. I think adding some flourishes, trying to open the blinds more, and taking down and packing away Christmas decor is good enough.)
Spend time with someone who adores winter. Hmmm….One I don’t know if I know anyone who adores winter, but also I find that this is kind of mixed advice, yes it’s good to have a diverse lot of people in your life and to cultivate people who will help you inch out of your comfort zone, but I find when I am feeling depressed and awful and cold etc. I don’t think I would be overjoyed by someone exclaiming, “ISN’T THIS GREAT?!?!”
Move. Well if you can afford it, I guess… but that seems pretty extreme it’s a season not a life sentence.
Travel. I find that if I travel to a warm destination to “get away” and then return to the cold I am even more grumpy, and I hate the whole pack a million things to prepare for different climates. Also once again I can’t afford a lot of that… maybe I’d feel differently if I could afford it? Maybe?
Gripe about Winter on the internet. Okay kind of like a very negative support group… but yes I will grumble occasionally with my friends and associates but ultimately your thoughts create your reality, if you are focused on “this sucks” no matter what you do to make it not suck, it’s going to suck, as simple as that. (If you must moan and groan about winter to someone and people in your life aren’t having it… you can go to Reddit and find people all complaining together.)
OKAY!!! HOPE THAT HELPS!!! (I know it’s a lot, but I tried to really dig in and find whatever I could for you guys!… and for myself! Wintertime can be rough!)
No matter what remember… YOU GOT THIS!!!
-Heather
Resources!!
Instagram @yougotdisblog {for updates on posts}
Pinterest. @yougotdisblog {just created, and working on collecting useful infographics and some links… but for this post I would recommend the following boards I created/collated… }
For feeling blue:
Winter Blues {board}: Some were just random links I could find… I didn’t get to look through them so I don’t know how trustworthy… some infographics and links on anxiety and depression and winter activities. Maybe something here will be helpful!
For some fitness help:
Fitness at Home {board}: Main board has links and infographics on how to make a home gym on the cheap as well as other simple tips and tricks. I broke down this board into sub-boards that have more specific aspects like quick, simple, or geeky/fun routines.
For a Song {sub-board}: Infographics on how to do a mini workout to a single song or set of songs
Quick (15 mins or Less) {sub-board}: Infographics on workout routines and target area workouts that are 15 minutes or less
Buff as Buffy (fiction into Fact) {sub-board}: Infographics on how to workout to be like your favorite fictitious character such as Batman or Buffy.
Flat out Workout {sub-board}: These are infographics and some links to workouts that can be done on the floor and on your bed. (With some couch and chair ones added in.) If you are lazy or just prone to back issues etc. these are some fun and simple routines.
TV Turnaround (TV Workout Games) {sub-board}: Maybe exercising isn’t fun enough for you, or you find yourself consumed by your favorite TV without time to exercise, here are some infographics/lists on exercises to do either to the commericals or your favorite show. It’s like the drinking game where you say “when this character does/says ‘blank’ take a shot” instead you do an exercise!
Cinematic Champion (Movie Workout Games) {sub-board}: Same thing as the TV one above except this is to specific movies.
LINKS:
Decorating for Winter (some holiday stuff in there but mostly winter)
This is primarily a discussion on Emotional Eating/Pleasure eating.
DISCLAIMER… I am not a doctor. I’m a researcher (aka librarian), I do a lot of research (fact-finding) then collate it (put it all together). The information listed below is a culmination of a lot of self-help health literature, some scientific journals, success stories, people I know, and of course my own personal journey. This is to help you (and me) step in the right direction, you ultimately will need to choose the path you follow and may need the assistance of a licensed/degreed individual in a particular field of study.
Okay I am going to do it I am going to talk about the dreaded “F” word…. Food. Particularly food as a means of pleasure or emotional indulgence… That’s the F word you were thinking right? (wink, wink)
Well here’s the thing, I like cookies. And that’s okay. Seeking solace in the cookies… that’s where things get a little messy. And not in the literal Cookie Monster covered in chaotic confetti of crumbs-messy either. See it’s okay to enjoy food, to have it at celebrations, and look forward to a delicious meal. It’s okay. The messy part is when the only thing you look forward to at the end of your day is that cookie or piece of chocolate. If this isn’t you, that’s awesome and I am happy for you. For the rest of us, this is why “just eat healthy” is always so troublesome.
Over indulgence comes from a place of lack, from a place of denial. Think about it. Have you ever thought, “I need to eat this not because I am hungry but because it is delicious and I don’t know when I will get to enjoy something like this again”? Or how about the conflicted statement of “I shouldn’t but you know what I’ve earned this”?
Don’t be disappointed in yourself if you have. I’ve been there. I get it. The thing is, Food, that oh so dreaded F word for many of us, is something we need to live. (IF you are a breatharian, I just don’t get you and this might not be the blog for you, just a heads up.) Food is what keeps these meat sacks that we call bodies moving and doing.
However, for many of us, it is also a source of pleasure. Many adults deny themselves whimsical delights and many of those same adults will consume food for pleasure. The thing is we are told we need to toughen up, grow up, and ultimately deny ourselves even the simplest of pleasures. Food is one of the biggest struggles for us because when we are eating for pure enjoyment we often partake in foods that are not the healthiest of options and usually consume much more than would be considered healthy. When we eat based upon pleasure more so than on need, we can cause a lot of issues to bodies. So we demonize the food that brings us pleasure, and when it is one of the only sources of pleasure for us, that makes us very unhappy.
That’s a lot of guilt and mixed messages going on there! (Warning Geeky Literary analogy in 3..2..1..) I mean this is why the dude who knocked up Hester Pryne in Scarlet Letter was whipping himself. He allowed himself some carnal pleasures and felt so torn up about it he kept smacking himself with a whip… Except most of us don’t physically whip ourselves, instead we lash out on our self esteem, and I can tell you right now, for those of you who didn’t read the book, Hester’s mystery lover was not a fun fella to be around. I am not saying that Hester’s fella should in turn start having loads of sex so that he could regain pleasure and then be a fun person to be around… I am saying that maybe he should own up and accept what he did was wrong but not whip himself in the dark, instead of cracking a whip, perhaps try to cracking a smile and maybe smell some flowers or something. (I am not even broaching the topic of how he also should have been there for his child at the very least. Also these are hardly spoilers, all I wrote is on the synopsis on the back of the book, just saying). The Scarlet Letter has nothing to do with food but it deals with guilt and pleasure and societal expectations, the same stuff we deal with food except instead of a red letter being sewn to our clothing by others, usually it’s us in the mirror shaming ourselves.
Anyway, literary tangents aside… acknowledge that you over indulged in the past. Awareness is good. Verbally whipping yourself doesn’t do anyone any good. So instead of “damn, I really shouldn’t have done that. I ate the whole thing. I am so stupid, why can’t I control myself”, try something more along the lines of “okay, I did not want to eat that whole thing. But it’s okay and I’m okay. Maybe I should ponder why it is that I over indulged”.
To paraphrase the very wise late Louise Hay, ‘thank the negative voice then move on from it’. Yes that negative voice of fear and admonishment is trying to protect you from being unhealthy and harming yourself, etc. however if your response to negativity is to seek some form of happiness or pleasure, and one of the few pleasures you have ever allowed yourself or even know is food… well then that voice isn’t very helpful. (Simple version= If yelling at yourself makes you sad, and sad emotions make you eat for pleasure, and you usually eat unhealthy snacks and sweets when you eat for pleasure, then yelling at yourself for eating poorly when you were sad is just going to keep the cycle going.)
As mentioned in a previous post, focus is key, and shifting the focus from self-admonishment to one of understanding, being kind, and believing in yourself will more solidly keep you heading towards your goals and living your best life. (Note yes some people will strive for their goals in spite of something said or fueled by anger, as a “I’ll show them” attitude, but I have found in both myself and in the minimal research in the psychology of human beings that goals that are routed in kindness and understanding have much longer lasting results than any nay-saying venom fueled voice could ever drive you to achieve.)
So yes you may have messed up and ate an entire box of Girl Scout cookies in one sitting. (I’ve done this, and at the time I admonished myself soo much that what did I do?… well I opened another box. Because ‘whatever I messed up and I don’t do anything right anyway’… Sigh. It’s okay past Heather, a whole box is a little much, however it’s okay and you are going to find out that there are other pleasures than food to be had, and you do a lot of things right, you got this.) You may have done this or something similar but being unkind to yourself is not going to help. What will help is acknowledging what led you to emotionally eat and allowing yourself different, healthier, and possibly more rewarding pleasures.
IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: If you are like me and feel like you haven’t earned pleasure or relaxing because there are things that still need to get done such as cleaning or cooking or paying bills or errands or whatever…. You can enjoy relaxing moments even if there are things to get done, there will always be things that need to get done. (And this mentality is not reserved for those Martha Stewart perfectionist types, I have a chair that almost always has a mountainous pile of clean unfolded laundry on it and have left waaaaay more than my fair share of dishes that will be done “tomorrow” in the sink.) It is okay to accomplish the most pressing tasks then give yourself a break. So if you are not doing the thing that makes you happy because you haven’t gotten things done off of your to-do list, but you are however mindlessly watching TV, numbly scrolling through your phone, or blindly shoveling junk food into your mouth know that these actions are not accomplishing things off your to-do list either, these are a form of mental shut down, you need actual break and some part of you has justified these forms of a “break” instead of other ones. So find things that truly relax yet engage you, take the time to do the things that truly make you happy. You are allowed a break! You are allowed to be happy without everything checked off of your list!
Here’s the advice to help calm the wild roller coaster that is a love/hate relationship with food:
Allow yourself a little bit of something really yummy every day. Have a small portion. Do your best to enjoy it when you are calm and relaxed and you are not emotionally charged or feeling numb. (Emotionally charged would be eating something because you need to relax or you’ve earned it for dealing with that mean person. Eating something unhealthy for yourself and as a response to an emotion—not as just a simple enjoyment or eating healthy to fulfill actual hunger– is a form of self-punishment, not pleasure. )
Remember that you didn’t get unhealthy from only one moment or one day of poor choices, so getting healthy is not going to happen by eating only healthy foods and killing yourself at the gym for a day or two. (This stuff takes time.) It’s a slow but worthwhile process to health. That process can include small portioned treats if balanced with an overall healthy diet and of course some form of exercise.
Cultivate a list of pleasures. What makes you happy other than food? Reading? Writing? Dancing? A silly you tube video? Taking a bath? You deserve love, especially from yourself so pamper yourself. If you “earned that cookie” you’ve earned a moment of taking care of yourself. Hint: I am not suggesting you replace overindulgence in eating to overindulgence in spending or any other potentially bad habit.
Do your best to be aware of your emotions. This one is tough. Your initial emotions may be out of your control, but reign yourself in. Have a conversation with yourself. Why do you feel this way? Remember, you control your emotions. If someone has done something to you of course shame on them, but only you can allow it to change your demeanor.
If you have trouble just thinking out your emotions in your head, perhaps you should keep a journal? You can use the notes app on your phone, carry around a notebook, jot it down on a stray envelope… whatever works just know if you cannot immediately recognize your emotions or the source of those emotions and the only thing that will make you feel better is scarfing down an entire tub of ice cream, it’s time to face the real monster and write it out and attempt to figure out what’s bothering you. (This can be a tricky and sometimes deeply upsetting process but hiding behind food or hiding in general is not helping. Think about: if you had a large colony of ants coming into your home and you saw that the source was a piece of candy on the floor, you could ignore it and block the room off with caution tape, but the ants will continue to gather and grow and then they will find more crumbs and the ants will spread. Or you could take a paper towel and grab the gross ant covered candy and discard it, sweep away the ants and possibly set ant traps about. If your ant problem is much worse then you might need to bring in exterminators… meaning you might need to see a therapist. There is no shame in seeing a therapist by the way. We all have issues, it’s when we refuse to ask for help from those that can truly provide it and refuse to help ourselves that things can get unbelievably worse.)
Realize there is a difference between, changing your “diet” and going on a “diet”. Changing and modifying your diet means, making better choices, perhaps picking a food lifestyle that works for you, guided by a nutritionist or solid research. Going on a diet is following a fad or limiting and restricting what you can and can’t have. (Though you may ultimately modify your diet to remove or avoid foods that you know hurt you such as if dairy/broccoli always makes you uncomfortably gassy or your doctor tells you, you must remove some food such as someone with celiac should no longer eat items with gluten, this does not mean you have gone on a diet or are dieting). Best advice is don’t cut out any food group completely unless you know you have an allergy or a major issue to it.
Focus on what you can eat. If you always focus on what you cannot have you will want it even more. (Example, the person with a hundred tv channels will always be unhappy with what they watch if they always focus on the fact that they don’t have Showtime, Hallmark, or whatever.) Could you imagine this attitude in other aspects of life? Perhaps you can. I’ve known a person or two like this, that no matter what they have they are always unhappy because they want something else. This is the grass is always greener kind of mentality and it just makes you grumpy and jealous. Focus on good. You really love a type of fruit or vegetable that you know agrees with you then eat more of it. Once again you want to be in a place of plenty not lack.
If your emotions just make you salivate like crazy for something delicious. Drink a glass of water. You can even add some lemon or a teaspoon of sugar. Sometimes we muddle the messages from the body. A lot of times when we are very hungry we are in fact parched and need water. Then if you add navigating overwhelming emotions that you are not truly recognizing well then you now have an uncontrollable urge for cookies that cannot be stopped and probably not even satisfied by those consuming those treats despite how delicious they may be.
So what am I saying? I am saying it’s okay to like cookies and other sweets or snacks. If you keep those snacks and sweets to a small percentage of your everyday diet you will be okay. Demonizing food is not helping. Awareness is essential. Be aware when you are being led by hunger or by emotions. Be aware that there are many healthy delicious options to consume for the bulk of your caloric needs. But also be aware that it’s not a single cookie or piece of chocolate or scoop of ice cream or handful of chips that is the culprit, it’s either a diet full of unhealthy foods or an overindulgence to mask unacknowledged emotions.
I will post about simple non food pleasures and self-care type of things that might interest you soon too.
(There are lots of books about health, diet, food, and emotional eating these are just some titles that stood out)
50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food by Susan Albers (READ THIS… I found this to be very informative however when I read it I was hoping for more self-care, non-food rewards, and non-scale vicotires. Which is not the primary focus of the book, it was more a technique guide to overcoming emotional eating which is helpful.)
Eat Your Feelings: The Food Mood Girl’s Guide to Transforming Your Emotional Eating by Lindsey Smith
Stop Overeating: The 28-Day Plan to End Emotional Eating For Good by Dr. Jane McCartney
Eat to Love: A Mindful Guide to Transforming Your Relationship with Food, Body, and Life by Jenna Hollenstein
(A title or two on stress in and accomplishing tasks in general)
Off the Clock: Feel Less Busy While Getting More Done by Laura Vanderkam
Make Time: How to Focus on What Matters Every Day by Jake Knapp
How to Fight a Hydra: Face Your Fears, Pursue Your Ambitions, and Become the Hero You Are Destined to Be by Josh Kaufman
First of all before I go into what I want to write about please excuse any typos or grammatical errors for I am currently writing this on my phone and unfortunately it is the only way to have this posted before the week is through. …. Now on to the topic at hand…
Yup I said it, New Years Resolutions are BS. “But Heather,” you say, “ I have, or I know someone who has, been successful sticking to and accomplishing New Year’s resolutions!” To that I say both kudos/well done and those weren’t resolutions. Those were goals.
I know it seems like a big groan worthy, po-tay-to/po-tah-to semantics kind of thing. But it’s not. The thing is resolutions most often are amorphous statements! This year I will change!… This year I will be better!… Or if it’s not amorphous sometimes it’s just asking too much… This year I am going to the gym 3 times a week every week without time off for any reason!!…(Meanwhile you’ve never set foot into a gym… and you are asking yourself to bundle up in the coldest months to go sweat in front of other people then go bundle back up and trudge through the possibly snowy weather back home…. For some of you who have previously gone to the gym but just weren’t as dedicated, maybe this makes sense. For some of you who go stir crazy in the winter and will look for any way to not be home, sure the gym is a good goal… for the rest of us… that seems like an unrealistic expectation.) But
Yea it seems like the odds are stacked against us, I mean I’ve read articles that have said that statistically and approximately 80% of all New Years resolutions are not kept in general and that most fail before January is through! Yikes!
But what about that 20% well those people were probably driven type of people, had simple resolutions, and/or really had made a goal that was disguised as a “resolution”!
But If there is something you want that normally you would state as a resolution I am certainly NOT suggesting that you don’t even try. I’m saying that if you truly want to stick to something and make that change (and I know it’s tough because I backslide a lot myself and have only been successful in some goals and not others… remember I am on this journey with you!) … I am saying to create goals instead…
here’s why...
Resolutions fail us because…
1-January February March are some of the coldest and darkest months of the year (at least in the US)… Our bodies naturally want to hibernate and pack on pounds… and eating seasonally we would be eating more heartier foods that tend to keep us more naturally insulated. The darker colder months with the lack of sunlight and the withdrawal of the sparkly wonder of the holidays, well they can seem long and depressing… this is not the time to be super restrictive and mean to yourself. (Which many resolutions can be… now adding exercise could help by keeping us warm and adding those happy endorphins but I will get into that later)
2-resolutions are too huge, too big in scope, or amorphous… The way we treat resolutions we state our ideal self and just say “go!” And that is like waking up one day and saying “I’m going to do the tour du France” and you haven’t rode a bicycle since you were 8, have no money to travel there, and have never been able to do any strenuous activity for more than 10 minutes. Not realistic.
3-sometimes when we try to form our resolutions into what seems like a goal, we hold ourselves to unrealistic expectations such as going to the gym every day or “I’m just going to stop that bad habit when the clock strikes midnight.” When we do not allow ourselves buffers and hold ourselves to impractical ideals, we often mentally berate ourselves when we fail which creates a downward spiral and almost always leads to throwing in the towel.
4- we make resolutions on the perceived perception of who we should be or the expectations of others. If deep down the resolution you are making has nothing to do with who you really want to be but who you believe you should be then you are never going to actually achieve those goals. Figure out what you truly want before you set out on your specific journey. (The only time you need to really listen to someone else’s ‘should’ for you, is if something is truly unhealthy like your doctor says you are going to die if you don’t quit smoking or your loved ones have all spoken to you about your alcoholic behaviors… and so on, at that point start working on that stuff now not wait for New Years ).
5- we don’t do the homework. If you’ve always failed at something how can you expect to change merely by saying “this year will be different”? You need to be prepared to do the digging and deep work. There could be limiting beliefs. There could be other underlining factors of why you have previously not succeeded. Also you could think that others have achieved their goals by doing things a certain way but you never really found out how so you do things based upon assumptions… research is key. You want to have strong muscles find out the proper way to lift… you want to learn a skill find the right books, teachers, or classes etc.
So yes set goals! Attempt to make the changes you want in your life! But blanket resolutions aren’t the way to make that happen.
Now what you can do!
1- Write down what you truly want for yourself don’t be afraid to dig deep. Focus on what you can truly change and achieve. (Successful goals are dependent on yourself not on other people.)
2- break things down into smaller more detailed goals and possibly simpler increments and see what you can definitely commit to… if you think “well that is too easy shouldn’t I work harder than that?” that is almost always where to start such as I can walk for five minutes every day! Well if you aren’t and you eventually want to walk 40 minutes a day, then start with walking 5 minutes! (a goal shouldn’t have to ejector seat you out of your comfort zone… long lasting change begins with a little push)
3- realize that in the cold winter months it’s easier to add something than take away something. For example if your goal is to be healthy and in shape, maybe first commit to drinking more water and commit to exercising a few minutes each day instead of eliminating all carbs or not having even a sip of soda… first adding will slowly replace the bad and no matter what it was more than you were doing. (If you want to eradicate something from your life then focus on healthy things to replace it with and possibly wait until Spring when the body will be more apt to handle a withdrawal or major change)
4-set goals for the entire year instead of one big crazy goal or lots of little goals that start at the stroke of midnight. Be aware of how you act seasonally. Like above with adding exercise in the winter, when we begin to shed the winter clothing to spring that’s when you can start completely eliminating sweets etc. if you know that the cold makes you want to sleep in then add your exercise in the evening. If you know that the gloomy winter would be more gloomy without hot cocoa then allow yourself some hot cocoa)
So to recap…
Resolutions suck.
Example of a resolution:
This year I’m going to be healthy
Goals rock
Example of a goal:
This year I will get healthy by:
1- adding more water (drinking at least 20 oz every day
2-Adding more exercise ( at least 5 minutes every day)
3-Being kind and understanding to myself when I miss a day or make a mistake
4-I will monitor my progress and see what truly works for me and see if there are any limiting beliefs that are keeping me from achieving this goal.
5-When Spring approaches I will add more exercise and water and also start to focus on my diet and will begin to eliminate things like sugar and unhealthy foods.
6-Come Summer I will reevaluate again and see what I can add or subtract to keep me on this path towards wellness.
. 7-Most of all I will take steps to help myself keep these goals such as having buffers and tips and tricks to help me stick to the above goals………for example when I subtract sugar I will make sure to have pain medicine and add some more fatty foods in my diet to help deal with the initial withdrawal…….. to make sure I drink more water I will have a special water bottle I am excited to use that will help me to drink more water………I will have exercise videos or a premade music playlist for when the weather makes it hard for me to go walk outside or go to the gym.
Yes I’m serious. I know it looks intense but that is what works. (You don’t have to share all the details with everyone but that’s how you do it. If you truly want to share your “resolution” with others but don’t want to give all the details you can tell people “I have set goals to achieve better health”.) But yes… That is what works. Change is hard even when it’s change you want. You get used to old comforts and patterns. Motivation is something that comes from being committed to your goals and succeeding even without motivation not the other way around. Most people don’t stick to resolutions because it’s just the ideal. If you don’t really care about making permanent changes for yourself then go ahead and make as many resolutions as you want…. However, If you do want to change then what you need are detail orientated goals!
Also this applies to other goals not just getting healthy…. (It doesn’t matter if you want to write more, learn a language, travel more, save more money, quit something, whatever….) I focused on health orientated resolutions because that tends to be the major theme, as well as one I have personally struggled with and am using what has worked on other goals for myself and on this goal for others to help with my own desire to be healthier. So thus the health tailored examples. But any detailed orientated plan with realistic expectations and wiggle room for mistakes will ultimately help you succeed in making the changes you want for the year (and possibly years) ahead.
Now go ahead and tell 2019 that you got this!!!
Oh and Happy New Year thanks for reading! And look for more You Got This posts in 2019!!!!
(I know this post feels naked without links… I may do a follow up with resources, we will see… also I know I never did a Childfree Couple Christmas post… however I plan to have that for next Christmas as I am still cultivating resources)
YouGotThis 