PAST SELF PSA: It’s Okay to be single!

oktobeSINGLE

What is a Past Self Psa? See my post: Past self PSA.

Own that singlehood!

I know that this may sound strange coming from me a happily married person who a few months prior wrote two posts entirely on eloping/marriage. For clarity sake this is not a “do as I say not as I do” thing. If you are happily in a relationship, then that’s awesome!

I just know that my past self at one point was so desperate to find a mate that I was dating all the wrong people and was unhappy alone. It was as though someone told me that I could only be happy within the constructs of a relationship/marriage… But that’s not the case… And my past self would have definitely needed to hear that it was okay to be single and that you need to be happy alone in order to be happy in a couple. Because there was a time where I was single for quite awhile, and now I consider that time to be one of the most important periods of my life. Once I let go of the “need to find someone,” I had many happy memories, in fact I often credit it to the reason that I did find someone the right someone. . So anyone who was worried about that title, as though I am saying “I wish I were single” which I am not, remember this blog is talking to my past self.

So how the hell did being single lead to being married??? Well, it was because I was okay being single. Say what?

To the many who want to settle down and find their partner, it seems counter-intuitive that being single and being okay with being single, and not actively LOOKING, dating, etc. for someone is how I ultimate found someone. In fact you might say, “Heather this isn’t a Hallmark movie, the right guy or gal just doesn’t magically appear…” Well no, it might not be magic. But the right attitude for any thing in love is essential. See, I honestly know that being happy and secure in myself whilst being single and on my own was instrumental in finding my forever person, simply for the fact that I was in the right head-space.

So actively searching and searching and dating and dating is putting yourself in a state of desperation. Possibly a little bit of “oh woe is me, I will never find anyone” which is definitely not the right attitude to attract anything positive let alone a mate.  And over compensating by dolling up and trolling the bars, isn’t helping either. Yes we are the only species on this earth that sending signals of “hey I’m ready for a mate” is disadvantageous to securing one. You go out all “Peacock strut your stuff” and you get the crappiest dip-shit birds out there, and the ones you want to partner with for life are like… nope, not into it.

There’s a few reasons why this is so.

  1. Desperation is not a nice look. It frightens away the real prospects of the people you want and attracts those who know how to manipulate that desperation.
  2. If you spend your time so focused on who you need to be to get someone, you are losing your true self and are thus false. By being true to who you are the more likely you are to find the person who is truly right for you.
  3. If you are focused on the person you want to be with then you aren’t focused on you. (There is nothing wrong or negatively selfish with taking care of yourself and learning who you are especially by pursuing your interests; it’s only bad when you are being belittling and intentionally mean… Self-care/self-love is NOT the same as narcissism/bad behavior. )
  4. If you are searching because you are uncomfortable with being alone or by yourself… then there is probably a deeper issue. Very few healthy suitors want someone to be solely dependent on them for emotional/mental/physical support. If you can’t stand being alone, (this does not mean spending days with no communication, just being on your own) then why would someone want to be around you either?

 

Ultimately it’s kind of like how you can’t find something (say it’s your keys), and you look… and look… and look… and look… and look some more and can’t find the darn things, but then you give up and go to grab something else like your phone or sunglasses and next to that something else, are the darn keys. But no matter what you were looking for, life sometimes does that… It’s almost as if the stress of the time crunch of finding something makes us ultimately blind to what we were searching for or even blind as to where to look; the stress of trying to recall where you last put it and somehow it’s all blank… well life in general is kind of like that. The person of your dreams can be waving at you saying “hey over here!!” but if we are too frantically looking around going “where is the person of my dreams??” then we can’t see them. [However I am not suggesting that your significant other may be in your life already. Once again, this is life not a Hallmark movie, dipping from the same dating pool over and over like an episode of friends, usually isn’t conducive to finding someone. What I am saying however, is that it’s possible that your energy is making it so that they can’t enter your life just yet.]

Also I am not saying that the only reason to be single is in fact to find someonebut to be okay if you don’t. You need to be solidly in your reality, to be solidly YOU… knowing how to take care of yourself, what your likes and interests are… is a recipe for a successful and happy life whether there is a partner to share it with or not!

So TLDR; In Short: It’s super to be single… if single feels uncomfortable at first it’s okay, but you will find your rhythm. Below is my advice to my single past self…. {Much of which I did eventually follow} If you aren’t single, but find that you have trouble spending time outside of your relationship or are uncomfortable with being on your own then I suggest these tips as well!

My Single-hood advice (and advice I still follow):

  • “Date” your friends (go out to dinner, sit and talk learn about them) [I am not saying friends with benefits here, I am saying, take the time to learn who your friends are just like you would with a potential mate]
  • “Date” yourself (enjoy a meal out alone, go to the beach or a movie alone etc.)
  • Step away from the people who don’t have your best intentions in mind or don’t care about you
  • Learn how to make yourself happy
    • figure out your favorites, such as favorite food, smell, TV show, etc.
  • Learn how to take care of yourself
    • exfoliate, get a massage, learn how to cook your favorite meal, etc.
  • Make yourself proud- emotionally and actively
    • Emotionally I do this by: standing up for myself and saying what I need to say and doing my best to not let manipulators/mean people get to me.
    • Actively I do this by: fixing something in my home by without assistance (first I do research to make sure I do it correctly) , going to somewhere I might be initially uncomfortable and adapt, learn a new skill. For example: I reupholstered a chair, painted my bathroom by myself, built shelving, taught myself how to do a tricky crochet stitch, tried a new craft project, etc.
    • In general, I do this by noticing things that I want to improve about myself or life and taking even the smallest of steps towards them.

So if for a little while, a long time, or forever, let yourself be single… It is more than okay, it may be necessary. If/when you do find someone you will be better for it.

No matter what, YOU  GOT THIS!

-Heather

 

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